More ITK news from Big Sam’s publishing company, this time giving an insight into board level drama and the events that led to approaching Edmilson

Douglas, here’s a bit more for the book. Obviously I’ve been a bit busy lately what with all the transfers and the enquiry thing but I managed to get this down for you. While I’m writing this I’ve had a thought, the way things are going I don’t think one book is going to cover it. How about we call it ‘Allardyce Explains is All : Part 1 of 10?’

Meeting the Mike Ashley for the first time is something that will always stick in my mind. Right up there with lifting the second division cup in that golden year of ‘78, or taking over as manager at my first big club, Limerick. Mind you those were memorable because they were good, meeting Ashley was, well it was something else.

My first hint that things were going to be a bit different was when I turned up in Shepherds office to find him standing in the middle of the room.

“Where’s your furniture Fred?” I asked him

He looked a bit sheepish. “It’s all been sold to Habitat”

“Doesn’t it usually work the other way round?”

“Well yeah, but I got it on this great deal. You see it was the last proper office set and some other bloke wanted it. I could have paid extra but instead I promised to get a nice European three piece suite from them within a year or they could buy it back half price.”

“And you didn’t get the suite”

“No”

“So now Habitat have bought your solid oak desk with gold trimmings and built in fridge for half price?”

“Aye”

“Well at least they let you keep the Plasma TV” I say, pointing to the brand new piece of home electronics bolted to the wall.

“Not exactly” he says “That’s from the new man. It’s some kind of video conferencing thing. It came with these” he hands me a headset.

Now if there’s one thing I’m familiar with it’s the managers’ headset. When I started with them at Bolton we started out using two cups and a bit of string between the stands and the dugout, but by the time I left we were working with the Sony X600 Manager deLuxe with built in ear wax remover; an absolutely fantastic bit of kit.

The new headset was very black, very sleek and very heavy. It wasn’t a Sony though, folding back the padding I could see the word ‘Donnay’ written on the strap. It looked good though, and it had two little metal studs that fitted just under the temples. Some kind of expensive custom job I decided.

“Best put them on” said Fred, “it’s nearly time”

So we both put on our headsets and waited. It was a strange scene, stood there in an empty office, both of us waiting to meet the new boss. Then the plasma screen came on and a cold high voice came out of the speakers.

“Good afternoon gentlemen”

“Good afternoon Michael” said Fred “I think you’ve got your camera set up wrong. We can only see your arm and a bit of the table”

“Ah no Freddie. This is how I intend things to be. You see I like my privacy.”

“Right oh” replied Shepherd “Anyway, me and Big Sam are very glad to be talking to you at last. It’s good to get some personal contact after all that dealing with representatives and what not. Now I’ve got a list of targets here, and I’m sure Sam’s got some ‘n all. I was just thinking that with your money and my great knowledge of contracts we could stick in a bid for that Ronaldinh

“SILENCE!”

On the screen the single hand we could see curled itself into a fist, then pointed toward Shepherd.

“I am most displeased Shepherd. I was led to understand we had a first class strikeforce under construction, but now I learn that thanks to your great knowledge of contracts it could all be gone in a moment. You have misled me Shepherd, and that has consequences.”

Suddenly Shepherd grabbed his ears and screamed, there was a crackling noise and the smell of burning flesh. “Aaaaarrrggghhh” he yelled. He started clawing at the headset, but he couldn’t seem to get a grip on it. I tried to get rid of mine but it was stuck fast. After what seemed like an age the crackling noise stopped and Shepherd collapsed to the floor.

“Pain will be the least of your problems should you disappoint me again” came the voice from the speakers “I am sending you one of my most trusted assistants to keep an eye on things. He will run an eye over the organisation and let us know what is necessary. In the mean time, I have a task for you both.

Our squad lacks quality. Either you enhance it with a world cup winner or you will suffer my displeasure.”

“No problem” I said, trying not to sound too nervous. “What’s the budget”

“A budget will not be necessary. I understand you are famed for your transfer dealings Big Sam, and now I want to see if you can live up to your reputation.”

The screen went black. Shepherd and I looked at each other. The he tore off the headset and flung it in the corner.

“My God”, he felt the side of his head tenderly “Where the hell are we going to get a world cup winner?”

I took out my PDA. On it is the most comprehensive database of footballers ever assembled. I tapped a few buttons.

“It says here that Edmilson’s contract is nearly up. Maybe we can get him”

“But he’s knackered, his knees are in even worse shape than Owen’s” protested Shepherd

“Look” I said. “Either we get a world cup winner or that blokes going to come back and fry our brains. Personally I’m not taking any chances. Besides, if he really is knackered we can always feed him to Joey Barton.”

On our way out through the car park Shepherd stopped. Someone had taken down the sign that used to stand next to the boards’ car parking spaces. Now it was laying by the side of the road covered in mud. You could still make out the words “Friends and Family of the Chairman Only”. A workman was putting up a replacement sign, Shepherd shoved him out of the way. It read

Restructuring
In
Progress,

by order of Deputy Chairman Mort

“Lord help us” muttered Shepherd “It’s Deputy Death.”