How To Score Past Newcastle: Parts 9, 11, 13, 15 and 16 Of A Plausible 38
By A.K. Dholakia On Sun 10 Dec 2006 |
Every time I get out, Stephen Carr keeps pulling me back in. [That wasn’t a fat joke - his size doesn’t literally afford him a gravitational pull or anything - he just doesn’t justify a place at the club.]
As a meandering preamble to the apposite and expected cruelty, I would like to give a special mention to Portsmouth’s Matthew Taylor for scoring goals worthy of crystallization in successive seasons, against clubs worthy of conceding such spectacular goals.
An upturn in fortunes [a lazy misnomer, I assure you] of late has seen Newcastle impressively begin to motor up the table as we approach the annual domestic Christmas frenzy. Maintenance of our recent attacking prowess coupled with improved finishing over this period could very well see Roeder’s team back in contention for a European spot again - something that seemed almost fantastical very recently.
Chinks in our footballing armour that were largely thought to be nominal, have been plugged, and they have yielded big results - not to mention entertaining performances. Unsurprisingly to a small few, Solano at right-back has been a godsend, Emre’s form a miracle and Newcastle’s attacking mentality a delightful present from good old Santa himself.
Certain technical difficulties and the raucous laughter inspired from imbecilic propaganda that stated that the team had ameliorated because of Wor Shola’s injury has meant that this feature has been in abeyance until now, but it’s back, just so everyone knows… how to score past Newcastle.
Your best bets: Stephen Carr and Celestine Babayaro
Game 9: Middlesbrough (a)
Goal 13: Yakubu Aiyegbini
Blame: Stephen Carr
Reason: Stephen Carr’s speed reaction to a delivery is akin to the braking distance of a car, in that it is broken up into thinking time and movement time. In Stephen’s case, he saw Yakubu wonder casually away from him into a dangerous area, and proceeded to apply the gas. Unfortunately, he was so slow that it almost looked as though he was pretty much standing still - until the ball crashed into the Geordie net, by which point he had safely reached Yakubu. The Newcastle faithful were very much bent out of shape though, in a match in where they were very much in the driving seat. Just one final observation: extended metaphors are lame.
Game 11: Sheffield United (h)
Goal 14: Danny Webber
Blame: Peter Ramage
Reason: Babayaro was no doubt perfectly lost as the delivery came in, but no less startled than the ball-watching Ramage who abandoned his untrammeled gait back towards his goal as the ball flashed behind him to the unmarked and grateful Danny Webber.
Game 13: Arsenal (a)
Goal 15: Thierry Henry
Blame: Steven Taylor
Reason: He really does let you down sometimes. Giving Henry the opportunity to go down in such a non-threatening situation was archetypally callow of the promising defender. We sigh for what could have been.
Game 15: Reading (h)
Goal 16: James Harper
Blame: Nolberto Solano
Reason: He’s been smashing at right-back, but his flank was exposed disappointingly, the wrong players were stretched to the wrong positions and they enjoyed a fortuitous equalizer.
Game 15: Reading (h)
Goal 17: James Harper
Blame: Celestine Babayaro
Reason: Is he twice as blameworthy for two poor clearance kicks? It’s been decided he isn’t, but only because he hit the ball the second time. Emre cannot rationally be blamed as he was running back full speed trying to tackle someone facing the wrong way.
Game 16: Blackburn Rovers (a)
Goal 18: Morten Gamst ‘I-resent-you-for-making-me-do-this-to-someone-so-undeserving’ Pedersen
Blame: Shay Given
Reason: Okay, so this is what happened. I wanted to blame Jack Bauer [because he can stop anything], but they wouldn’t let me. Apparently, a player must be blamed. This is a rather rare instance, where the blame is actually an accolade though. Let me tell you why. For most other goalkeepers, one would say that this strike was unstoppable. Not old Shay though. We’ve come to expect so much from him over the years, that it’s a testament to his ability that we would even dare to blame him for something so unstoppable. Incidentally, Milner harried as best as possible running back from an attacking position and is therefore not at fault.
- BLAME COUNT - Season 06/07
Responsible For 4 Goals Conceded
Stephen Carr
Celestine Babayaro
Responsible For 2 Goals Conceded
Scott Parker
Peter Ramage
Steven Taylor
Responsible For 1 Goal Conceded
Titus Bramble
Steve Harper
Craig Moore
Nolberto Solano
Shay Given
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Hello Mr Black,
I agree with nearly everything you wrote this time
I’m sure we’re all aware that even under Keegan when Newcastle had “an abysmal defence”, we actually had the 4th/5th tightest defensive record every single season.
Just like you, I have noticed the improvement in our defensive performances over the last couple of months. But I like trying to work out what has changed to lead to this noted improvement. The conclusion I came to long before this last couple of months, is that Carr/Babayaro are both regularly making the team more vulnerable then I feel is acceptable. I feel the last couple of months have not proved this but certainly strengthen that argument. It is sad that it seems when Ramage (who I’d like very much to see being played as a centre back every match) who has very little talent going forward & overall offers little as a left back, is far better/reliable option then our “1st choice” Babayaro. A similar case could be made about Carr.
If we just sit back & think to ourselves ‘oh goody the team is winning again”, what will happen when Carr/Babayaro come back into the team? We’ll conceded more goals & ultimately pick up less points. Now is not the time to think everything is hunky dory at NUFC just because we’ve strung together a decent run of form. The sun even shines on a dogs arse some days!
As for Lawrensen & Hanson, neither should ever be aloud to speak on TV ever again. Complete idiots the pair of them.
I’d also like to mention I still have high hopes for us this season; there is still an awful lot of footy to be played.
Come on Newcastle!
Sent in on: December 13th, 2006 at 10:32 am
Following some provocative responses, if I might, I’d like to stress that these articles are just an analysis of the goals we concede. The limited scope of such an article does not encompass the general sentiments felt towards our team’s play, nor even the defence as a whole - only the conceded goals.
If anyone did wonder, I think Newcastle’s defence has been very impressive this season, apart from some crucial lapses in concentration. Even though that every loss suffered results in pundits pointing instinctively to our defence [out of habit and ignornace, more than anything else], that does not alter the truth - that being, we’ve got a better defence than most. Stereotypes about the likes of Bramble do not in any way physically detract from his immense play this season.
Our problem this season has been our attacking play. Recently, we’ve been scoring and it’s no surprise we’ve been winning. We haven’t kept clean sheets no, but if you’re not scoring, goals you inevitably concede prove more costly.
As it happens, my main criticism of our defence is their contribution to our attack, in a game where versatile full-backs are becoming something of a necessity.
Thank you for reading and contributing everyone.
A.K. Dholakia
Sent in on: December 12th, 2006 at 6:16 pm
Hello Chris.
Our defence is going to make mistakes, all defences do…as you point out very few goals are unstoppable.
I don’t think I’m the only supporter who’s sick and tired of our defence being examined in over zealous detail for evidence of how rubbish they are. Last season only five teams conceded less PL goals than we did, so far this season only 8 teams have conceded less. We’ve only conceded one more goal than Everton and Villa, and nobody is making a big issue out of their defensive frailty.
Obviously there’s room for improvement, but our backline has improved a lot in the last couple of months. Let’s give the lads some praise and leave the overly negative stuff to Mark Lawrenson.
Sent in on: December 12th, 2006 at 5:59 pm
I agree with Jack, perhaps look at the overall angles involved in play so we get a more complete picture.
However, I do enjoy these articles and go a long way to be something that amounts to evidence when we go to criticize players and performances because it shows where we can get things right once again.
In response to Marc’s point, I do agree that the there are more factors in play when it comes to conceding but this article tries to pinpoint the MOST culpable of all the players in the team. Perhaps you could also have a 2nd and 3rd in the list of who to blame to help construct a more overall picture in terms of the team structure.
Sent in on: December 12th, 2006 at 4:37 am
I just wanted to say that while Mr Black is entitled to his opinion, I disagree with him almost completely.
Sadly very few goals even at Premiership level are constructed from the pure brilliance of attacking play, most in my opinion (which I to am also entitled to have) are due to a mistake from the ‘defending’ team. I’ll agree Newcastle are no exceptions to that (See Carr/Baba/Bramble). A very good article that hopefully encourages a few more people to think about how/why a goal was scored/conceded.
I’d like to say I was looking forward to the next article in the series but of course that would mean we’ve conceded again…
Sent in on: December 11th, 2006 at 11:43 pm
I really enjoy reading these articles. Keep up the good work.
Can’t say I always agree, but who does?
Looks like the best way to move up the table is to hold Baba and Carr out of the team.
Yes, I fully agree, they are shite!
Howay Newcastle!
Sent in on: December 11th, 2006 at 9:13 pm
Most goals result from a combination of good attacking and less than perfect defending, and NUFC are no exception. A very silly article.
Sent in on: December 11th, 2006 at 8:45 pm
I have to say that I don’t agree that you can blame just one player for each goal we have conceded.
Sent in on: December 11th, 2006 at 12:11 pm
Have to disagree with the Given one, that was a cracking goal.
But we have certainly played better with the likes of Carr, Babayaro and Shola out the team.
Sent in on: December 11th, 2006 at 3:12 am
Have to disagree with you about the Pedersen goal. Milner’s efforts to block Pedersen looked a bit casual.
I don’t think you can blame Given for not stopping the shot. Blame the player who gave him so much time to pick his spot.
Sent in on: December 10th, 2006 at 10:44 pm
I had wondered where these got to. I must say I enjoy these articles so it is good to see them make a welcome return. One slight grumble, how about a look at how the goals were conceded?
EG
Inside the box: 4
Outside the box: 2
Left wing: 1
etc etc
Thus giving us a better all round view of where we are going wrong defensively.
Sent in on: December 10th, 2006 at 7:33 pm