Sometimes it’s hard adjusting to changes with someone you know and love well. They used to be a good laugh, you’d hang out together all the time and they could always be relied on to cheer you up when times were hard. And then things go downhill. They get religion. Or they go under the thumb and stay in all the time watching reality TV with their new partner. Or maybe they get into a ‘new healthy lifestyle’. Whatever, they’re just no fun anymore. Well, after another turgid and tedious match, this time at Fulham, it’s time to face facts: our beloved toon has converted to mormonism, shacked up with a control freak and got off the drink and into the jogging pants all in one go. My God, we are as dull as dish water to watch. We’ve been pretty poor since the days of Sir Bobby but we now manage to be both boring and poor. Now that’s progress; who’d have thought winning would be this much fun?!

I should declare at this point that I was watching the match at 6 am on telly with a stinking hangover. As an exile in NZ, you have to get up at brutal times to watch the games live (this match wasn’t so bad, usually they’re on at 2 or 3 in the morning). So I thought maybe it was just me, sitting in a bad mood with a cup of tea wishing I was at the match. Until I saw the coverage of a Fulham fan fast asleep in their seat (that’s one way to silence the home crowd). Then the realisation dawned on me that this was a really bad football match between two anti-footballing teams. I enjoyed the last minute and a half, but that was about it.

There’s no doubt we have some serious and well documented flaws in the team. The defence changes one match to the next and many of the new players have come in from overseas and need time to adapt to each other and the Premier League. Allardyce has a habit of playing players out of position and I noted with amazement that he started Alan Smith again in his correct position as a striker (is that 3 matches in a row?). Also Allardyce has inherited a team subjected to the wrecking crew of Souness and Roeder, and is having to make the most of what he has, which when the second string consisted of such luminaries as Carr, Babayaro, Ameobi, Pattison and Ramage, wasn’t very much at all.

However in my opinion there are two major reasons why we are so dreary to watch. Firstly, our midfield is completely lacking in pace. Allardyce loves Nicky Butt and it’s not hard to see why. He’s an excellent professional, vastly experienced, a good tackler and has good positional sense. He’s also as slow as a clapped out old bus and should be finished as a first choice pick. In the second half I watched in disbelief as Shefki Kuqi – the trundling journeyman sent on to win headers and rough up the defence – outpaced Butt as he ran from midfield. But it’s not just Butt - Geremi, Milner, Emre all lack pace and penetration and Barton looks to me like he’s still not match sharp. We only have one pacey striker and he’s off to the Africa Nations Cup soon. Great. It’s stating the obvious but to be successful in the Premier League you need quick players across the pitch, particularly down the flanks and upfront. Our one quick midfielder with skill and penetration currently plays at left back. That keeps him nicely from doing much attacking then.

Secondly, and perhaps worse still, we lack movement. When we play from the back, there’s nobody getting themselves open; the midfielders look static to me, there’s nobody moving into space. It’s the same with our midfield play, where we play players into trouble or lose the ball, usually because the man on the ball isn’t presented with choices. We give the ball away far too much, leaving players exposed and causing panic. So before long a stream of long balls results from defence or midfield, usually hoofed over the top to our 5 foot 2 striker to contest, with midfield support miles away. Often our players look like bad passers of the ball, but in my opinion it’s usually because their target has made no effort to make the pass easier by getting into space. These are not poor footballers, they’re seasoned internationals to a man, playing in a team with poor movement. You have to put that and the regular loss of possession in midfield down to poor coaching and it needs addressing.

Which brings me on to the tactics and outlook of Sam Allardyce. Why in the second half did we cede the initiative and let them have a go at us, when they were there for the taking? Why was the midfield playing so deep? There was no pace, no width, no creativity, no class. We are incapable of hitting a team on the break. We are incapable of playing through teams by passing the ball. We are afraid of making mistakes and we play percentage football. It was plain our strategy was to keep a clean sheet, defend in numbers and maybe nick something from a set piece, otherwise settle for a goalless draw. We can maybe manage this against a poor poor side like Fulham but we will get stuffed on a regular basis by better teams with that outlook.

The reality is that we are where we deserve to be in the table. We are a really mediocre team. We lack ambition and we lack pace and movement. Allardyce is looking to survive and no more, so we’re doing well as long as we don’t get beaten. In the meantime we have a bunch of cloggers in midfield who run hard and hoof the ball forward, in the hope of winning free kicks, throw-ins and corners. It’s like watching Wimbledon in the days of Dennis Wise and Vinny Jones. Now I know the club’s been in a car crash these last couple of years and I recognise the patient was badly disfigured when surgeon Sam came on the scene, so I’m not expecting our team to resemble a sexy supermodel just yet. But I’d like to see some signs that the surgery is working and things are improving. Instead we’ve got Ugly Betty.

I was hoping for a lot more when Allardyce was appointed. Maybe these are just growing pains and I’m prepared to be patient, but I’d like to see some bloody signs of improvement in the football. Until he gets some pace into the side, some movement, with the aim of scoring a goal or two rather than not conceding, we will continue to be mediocre. We should aspire to more. Geordies love their football, Sam. How about playing some?