Alan Oliver: Wide of the Mark - No. 1
By James Collins On Wed 4 Jul 2007 |
In the first of a new feature, Newcastle-Online will be taking a look at the work of legendary local journalist Alan Oliver, keeping an eye on those little inconsistencies that pop up within his literary works. Are these inconsistencies clues that foretell the rebirth of Kevin Keegan and the end of the world? Or are they something far more sinister?
In a recent article of Machiavellian proportions, dated June 25th 2007, Oliver had the following to say on Michael Owen’s future:
Owen has been given a couple of days grace when the rest of the United players report back a week today, and the feeling at St James’ Park is that if nothing happens before the England striker is back in training a week on Friday then he will start off the season wearing a black-and-white shirt.
Naturally, this caused a stir amongst fans, all speculating as to why Owen was given this extra time off. One fan, trying to read between the lines of the article, incredibly believed that Oliver was trying to tell us that we were delaying Owen’s return in order to secure a swap deal for Alan Smith!
Of course, Oliver’s article would mean that Owen would be joining his team-mates in Austria on Friday if he hadn’t signed for anyone by then. However, forum poster number09 was kind enough to provide this photograph of Michael Owen arriving at an Austrian airport with his team mates yesterday:
It would thus seem that reports of a training break for Michael Owen are in fact wide of the mark. What does this mean? The evidence definitely suggests the existence of some hidden message. Our team of detectives will strive to track down these snippets in order to complete the jigsaw puzzle of what is quickly becoming known as: The Chronicle Code.
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What always makes me laugh about Comical Olly is the way he is so quick to slate other reporters, pretending he is the font of all knowledge.
Had to go through the Chronicle website to find this because it sticks out in my mind.
From 14th Feb, 2005.
“So will United sign Johnson? I honestly don’t know.
But the people who linked United with Johnson yesterday are some of the same people who talked about Damien Duff coming to St James’ Park in the New Year after the last transfer window closed last summer. And a few weeks ago Michael Owen was on his way!”
Both players signed within a matter of months!!!!
Wide of the mark??? Think Anal Olly is
Sent in on: July 7th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
I thought I’d been in the minority for years thinking Anal Olive was a complete buffoon and a total oaf.What about his “exclusively reveals” statements that he regularly states, most of which turn into absolute drivel. NUFC is hopefully moving into a new dimension of Competent Management and surely we desrve the same level of competency from the Chronicle going forward.
He’s been very lucky to have held the job down so long — most of us in the real world are subject to “continual improvement” in our working lives, obviously no such measures exist at Thompson House.
At least the lads in the Journal try to provoke some thought amongst ourselves with some worthwhile articles.They say that the average person has a vocabulary of 35000 words — I’m afraid Anal will be lucky if he hits the 3500 mark. Total Junk — get rid.
Sent in on: July 6th, 2007 at 4:37 pm
Is the Mackem-loving Anal Olive the worst-ever hack in North-East football history?
There is plenty of competition out there from the dyslexic,myopic, boozed-up brigade of scumbag scribblers.
But Comical Olly’s unique brand of back-page diarrhoea easily sees off that Queen of broadsheet balderdash “Louise “what match am I at today” Taylor and the jumped-up prat Simon “I didn’t do sport at school” Rushworth for the shameful title of Sports Illiterate of the Year.
Anal’s command of the English language is virtually non-existent. I remember the days when he used to write about fellow Consett resident and Barnsley journeyman Joe Joyce- now at the Toon Academy- with the imortal opening sentence “Joe Joyce who belongs Consett.”
And the dumbos at the Chron always let his abuse of the English language go in the paper unedited just as legend has it that John Gibson always used his own spelling “independant” because either his sub-editors were scared to tell him his spelling was incorrect or they couldn’t afford a dictionary between them.
Oliver infamously loves to gloat about other journos stories being “wide of the mark”- funny then that we haven’t seen any apologies from the Anal Mackem for “Steve Sidwell signing for Newcastle is the worst kept secret in football” fiasco.
Just one of his dozens of own goals in recent seasons.
A mate of mine tells me that he used to wander around Consett with a red and white pom-pom hat and organise the local Mackems trips to his beloved Roker Park when he wasn’t playing centre forward for Consett FC.
He is also a Tory-loving t### who adores Thatcher.
The same guy by the way never tires of telling his fellow hacks that he hates all fanzines and supporters websites.
Pity he didn’t read them a little bit more often and learn the basics of the English Language, particularly, grammar.
Sent in on: July 5th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
These comments should be copied and sent to the chronicle. That would be fun. To the Editor and then copied to Anal himself.
Sent in on: July 5th, 2007 at 9:14 am
He he he. I sent the Chronicle an email not long ago making a formal complaint about Anal. The sports editor must have sent it to anal himself as he then sent me a personal reply giving me a slating! I accused him of reading Club World on NUFC.CO.UK and then repeating it. He promptly told me that ‘he took the interviews and provided the information to NUFC!’
I couldn’t believe it! He told me that he had done the interviews but he failed to realise that you could watch a video of the actual interview if you are a subscriber. It’s fair to say that Anal is nowhere to be seen!
If I don’t read his ‘i can confirm’ ballox again it will be too soon.
Sent in on: July 5th, 2007 at 7:37 am
this gadger is so full of crap i cann;nt wait for the chronical to get rid of him
Sent in on: July 5th, 2007 at 2:12 am
What can I say about our old friend Anal Allover? Other than he’s so bad that he even makes John,Aim at Gibbo,Gibson look like a competent journalist.
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
He wants us all to know how many “exclusives” he can get (usually they aren’t exclusives at all) yet Comical Olly is not so keen on telling the world that he is in fact a Mackem.
The Anal Olive was a committee member of the Consett and District Branch of the Sunderland Supporters Association in the 1960s.
And I have it on good authority that he travelled away to cheer on Sunderland during their 1973 FA Cup run…
Is the shite he writes about Newcastle now starting to make some kind of sense?…
Once a Mackem always a Mackem!
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
I agree with c) all of the above
His arrogance is boundless. Whereas other journos have the modesty to be general, he’s all I, I, I,
Last week the Anal Olive penned an article on the impending arrival from Chelsea of a certain Geremi.
He provided some background information on the player, which, as it turns out were lifted almost word for word from a Wikipedia page.
To his credit he had changed a couple of the words (for shorter ones) but the structure showed it was definitely half inched.
Having said that he did manage to get the punchline wrong, claiming that Geremi has 17 brothers and 1 sister, where wikipedia clearly states that he has 17 brothers and sisters.
So here’s the shocker - he copies his article from somewhere else - and gets it wrong. What a journalist.
It’s interesting to note that when Souness and Roeder were taking a beating at least one in ten comments contained an attempt, however futile, to defend them.
Cant see that happening with the Anal Olive
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
The years of endless crap that Oliver has come up with combined with this article inspired me to make this video.
https://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=3PETGLeQv88
Get Oliver out of the Chronicle!!
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
Quality!!! I hope this series will be a hugely successful and long running one.
Over the years this guy has talked an unbelievable amount of total garbage and got away with it. I’m sure he said about a year ago that Sam Allardyce would never manage Newcastle! When Bobby was sacked he kept telling the fans each day who he thought would get the job each day with no mention of Souness until the last minute. Oliver then completely changed his opinion to tell us that it wouldn’t surprise him at all if we appointed Souness and starting singing his praises - Had some inside info did we Olly?
Then there was his love affair with Nicky Butt last season that brainwashed many of our fans. As early as pre-season Oliver had decided to inform us that Butt had been completely forgiven for Cardiff because he scored 2 goals in a meaningless friendly. Fair enough Butt did end up having a decent season and played well but Oliver made him sound like Roy of the Rovers in his match reports.
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Good work this. I’ve closely followed the career of Oliver since I was a small boy and long for the day when the Chronicle isn’t full of his unique brand of journalism. An old favourite of mine is when someone gets sent off, no matter what has happened during the game (ie. scored a hat-trick, saved penalties), they get a mark of 1/10, often accompanied with “Red-card horror/shocker/misery”. Rick A is spot-on about the foreigners too, whereas those who give regular interviews are seldom slammed.
What a clown this man is! I look forward to the next instalment.
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
I can’t stand seeing this guys mug on the Chronicle. I have read no other journalists report saying “he told me” “I understand” as if he owns NUFC. The guy is a complete clown. I wrote a letter to The Chronicle asking for his resignation. His style is so repetitive and obvious that he doesn’t warrent a slot in any newspaper.
He is an embarrasment to Newcastle. Robert should have given him a good hiding when he had the chance!
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
I think if this is going to be a regular thing (personally I don’t see how it can’t be) then perhaps these findings should be sent to both the Club and the Chronicle a monthly or even six-monthy basis
If the Chronicle’s articles are all archived it may prove interesting reading to look back on his past efforts.
I think the problem has been that ‘Olly’ has clearly been Shepherd’s spoke person. Hopefully under Ashley’s ownership this sillyness should stop and the chief clown himself will stop appearing on Sky Sports News!
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
How about ‘The Chronicles of Oliver’?
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 11:32 am
The five main Oliver weaknesses:
1. He likes to boast about his “in-the-know” contacts (probably Shepherd).
2. He is very negative: “wide of the mark” and “far from certain” are typical. He is rarely positive.
3. He is keen to claim an exclusive (even though, often, it is not), boasting that the he had it first etc. No matter if the item is of little consequence.
4. He is disparaging of most foreigners: One poor match and they are pilloried , blamed for why United haven’t won anything in the last twenty years, the demise of the game in general, global warming…etc. Local lads are given far more slack.
5. He rarely admits to getting it wrong (an all too frequent occurrence!).
Maybe if we record his errors it may make him work a little harder on his journalism and prose (but somehow, I doubt it!)…worth a try, though.
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 10:55 am
lol this will be fun!!!!!
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Will enjoy reading these, the amount of crap Anal spouts we should manage at least one a week.
Sent in on: July 4th, 2007 at 10:17 am