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[Douglas, these are my notes on this mornings call. Type them up and get them over to the ghost writer, and tell him I’ve got a new title for the seasons diary. I want to call it ‘Taming the Biggest Job in the World, the managerial genius of Big Sam’.]

The Phone Call

It’s 11:42 in the morning and I have been relaxing on my ultratone tanning bad in the luxury resort of Estapona for 27.4 minutes. My personal dermatologist Karyn has calculated that this is the optimum tanning time needed for me to achieve the healthy glow my media advisers tell me will increase my on screen favourability ratings by 2%.

Time up I rise to prepare myself for the next item on the agenda, the big phone call. First though I look into the grounds of the luxury villa to see my children playing football. I check my watch, I still have time for one of the days’ five family appreciation moments; a key part of any successful holiday getaway according to our family lifestyle coach Tricia. Suddenly my eldest yells and falls down clutching his leg, my wife is over in moments and gives my youngest a stern dressing down. I can’t hear from here but I think she’s deducted at least two family stars. My eldest is grinning, too right I think, I saw what happened and he never touched you. I’ll have a word with my wife later about her poor disciplinary performance, but I think the eldest deserves a star for showing that kind of will to win.

It’s 11:59, two hours after my power breakfast, 18 minutes after my sun bathing, and three hours after my morning mental preparation. I am in the zone, I am prepared, everything is perfect. This phone call will not just be a success, it will be more than that, it will be phenomenal. Josh and I have been through every possibility. Josh is my personal negotiating coach and we’re modelling my negotiating persona on Big Tony Soprano. For most people it would be too much, impossible to pull off, but not for me, Big comes naturally to me. Nothing can go wrong. I am Big Sam, I will get what I want.

It is 12:07. He’s late.

The phone rings, it’s my personal assistant. Yes I say, finally, put Shepherd through.

“Aalreet Big Sam” he says

“Yes” I say, I’ve never been a man for small talk.

Twenty minutes later it’s in the bag. I have achieved all five of my primary negotiating goals, and sixteen additional points (not to mention three million big ones a year). Josh and I had only planned on going for twelve but this has been easy. I decide to play for the big prize, the one I’ve been thinking about ever since I left Bolton. The one that will shake up the whole world of management.

“Fred” I say

“Fred, there’s one last thing I want to discuss, and it’s the most important thing of all”

“Gan on” he says

“I’m a big man Fred” I explain “and you, you’re a … a large man, and when you’ve got a big man and a large man in the same town”

“Toon” he cuts me off for the first time in twenty minutes

“Wot? oh right, Toon. Look, when you’ve got a big man and a large man in the same - toon - you need a bit of clarity between them. You’ve got to make a difference, people have got to know who’s bigger, is it the large man or the big man. You see that don’t you Fred?”

“High”

“Height? Height!” I yell down the phone

“It’s got nowt to do wi’ height. Look, Keegan was a short man, a tiny man, a midget in his socks, but he was a big man, in his time he was collossal, huge. Look at Peter Crouch, he’s a tall man, a gangly giraffe, but he’ll never be a big man. Do you understand?”

“High”

I let it slip. This is going to be difficult enough without trying to explain this. Explain it like Big Tony would I think, only without the baseball bats.

“Look Fred, this is a big job, a massive job, and it takes a big man. I am a big man, you are a large man and sooner or later people will want to know what that means. We’ll need to have some clarity between us, people have to know who’s bigger, and I’ve got to be big Fred, this job can’t be done by someone who isn’t big. That’s why I need you to agree to something”

“Gan on”

“If I take this job Fred, I can’t be Big Sam anymore. It’s not big enough. If I take this job I’ve got to be more than just Big Sam.

I want to be Mega Sam”

“high”