It’s amazing that within 24 hours of the Charlton game Newcastle have been linked with no fewer than 9 players. West Ham are obviously just going to surrender and will probably strike a deal with the FA agreeing to go straight into the Championship in November. Ferdinand, Ashton and Gabbidon have apparently already signed for us.

Laurent Robert is “pleading” to come back to the Toon - they should say yes, so long as he can find his strip - we’ve been warned off Camara, and Distin, Upson, Gera and Davies have all been named as Newcastle targets.

Considering our Chairman and Manager treat these things like state secrets, you have to ask the question where do these people get this information?

You may ask the same question about the following assessment. And quite frankly I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.

Here we go.

Harper - 6

Didn’t have a lot to do, but did what was required. Lots of grunts, groans and grimaces. I was surprised that Charlton weren’t lobbing shots in from all over the place.

It’s obvious that Harper is still not 100% and that’s generally a sign for the opposition to have a go. I hope Roeder at least told Titus to lay off the back passes.

Carr - 7

I thought Carr played quite well - no clangers, and he got forward a lot too, putting some good balls into the middle. I think he’s had a bad press from some fans and I can’t understand why. There are so many other targets more deserving abuse than he.

Moore - 6

Another good performance from our antipodean stopper. I think he has a good effect on the back line. Yes he makes the odd mistake but generally knows where and when he can get away with it. And unlike some others on the team he recovers well.

Bramble - 5

Titus did well for most of the game - usual story, eighty odd minutes of solid defending wrecked by 3 instances of out and out Titus.

You could call it the “Bramble Patch” Most defenders will try to stick on their mark and prevent him from doing anything
useful. Push him out wide, get him onto his wrong foot, whatever works, but you don’t commit until the right moment presents itself.

Bramble doesn’t commit. He guesses.

Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. Twice against Charlton he guessed the wrong way and overshot his mark. As he was pushing deep and was nearer midfield than defence he got away with it.

More memorable was his bizarre attempt at a back peddling clearance volley that he totally mistimed towards the end of the game. Fortunately Bent couldn’t believe his luck and made an even bigger bollocks of it.

In my reviews, if this was boxing Bramble would need a knock out to get a draw.

Babayarro - 6

Played quite well considering his previous form with us. Was stripped by Rommedahl a couple of times (26th minute was text book) but no major cock-ups. Got forward well.

Parker - 7

We make real men in the North East - none of this namby-pamby glove wearing thermal undies shite that comes up from the south. If we do agree to sign any players who originate from further south than the Metro Centre we put them through a major toughening up program.

This acclimatisation (or “constant battering” to use the technical term) probably contributes to our injury record, but things have improved since Mutha and Fatha Bacon we removed from the training set up.

Remember Owen’s knee injury during the World Cup? A pretty horrific injury. Having already been inducted into Geordie Folklore, Owen dragged himself along the ground to the touch line for treatment.

Lesser players (Southerners and Italians) would
have been rolling round screaming for stretchers. None of this old granny “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” garbage.

When we sneaked a win over Arsenal last season Parker was out there having taken one on the chin from “Jens Temperamental Psycho Strop Dickhead Lehmann”.

Later in the game when an Arsenal player actually landed on Parkers head he had to be helped off with the type of concussion that would have had a Clydesdale seeing double. Why did he come off? Because, quite literally, his brain wasn’t capable of telling his body to stand up. Did he whinge? Only because he had to come off.

Scotty played well here to begin with but tailed off after the first half hour. Not his usual lively self. I put that down to him picking up an injury in the 19th minute.

I suspect that had we the players fit Parker may have been off at this point. Doesn’t complain. Doesn’t drink Babycham. Doesn’t play Backgammon. I bet he hasn’t got any Backstreet Boys CDs either.

Butt - 5

The most impressive thing that Butt did was to pick up the sponsors Man Of The Match award. Not his fault I suppose, but I can’t even remember what the hell he did during the match.

And I’m watching it now for the second time. OK - a couple of runs forward and he stuck the nut on the pitch - but hardly Man Of The Match stuff.

Solano - 6

Solano was in and out like Ann Heche all night. Nobby has the dubious distinction of sharing his birthday with my mother. There are times when I think that my mother could contribute more, but on this occasion he was OK-ish.

A good word for a match report - “OK-ish” Solano came very close to having a good game, but just didn’t quite get there.

N’Zogbia - 6

Another one who was hot and cold on the night. A couple of good runs and a cracking shot from just inside the box in the first
half but just didn’t get properly into his stride.

This concept of squad rotation for the sake of it just doesn’t benefit some players at all. N’Zogbia needs to be out there every week. He’s keen, he’s quick he’s talented. He’s wasted.

Duff - 7

Duff alone probably had 8 or 9 chances, and you would expect a couple of them to be buried, but most of them ended up bobbling onto right his foot, which is probably as effective as Beckham’s left, and Shola’s head.

We’re talking ashtray on a motorbike territory. I’m giving Duff a 7 for getting into those positions and all the work that went with it. Could have been an eight if he’d had two feet.

Rossi - 7

A good full debut for the lad. At least we can now be fairly confident that there’s nothing written into his loan contract that limits him to no more than 13 minutes a match.

Rossi is like the annoying kids in the restaurant that just won’t sit down and shut up. Think Dickov with a sugar rush. Great movement on and off the ball, but even better - he creates space better like a fart in a library.

It’s just unbelievable that it has taken 2 months for him to get a start. Fate, the post and some of his team mates running interference all conspired to prevent him from scoring.

Most impressive was his willingness to get in and mix it. Despite being of Italian extraction he just gets back up and has another go.

I think the club should seriously consider taking Roeder to court for points lost in the 2 months Rossi has been watching from the sidelines.

Milner - ?

It’s not really fair to rate the poor lad - by the time he got on and into position he had to come off again.

Roeder - 4

I was never a fan of Roeder’s appointment and he’s obviously not too bothered about it, as he doesn’t seem to be doing anything to try and win me over.

He continues to stick by Bramble, refuses to get animated, demonstrates extremely limited tactical ability and seems to be of the opinion that using substitutes is a sign of weakness.

I can’t get excited about a Manager who doesn’t get excited about the game.

Plus - yet another unfathomable substitution, bringing Milner on with six and a half minutes left. To do what?

I realise we’re short of players, but Milner, and even Luque, could have been on with 30 or even 20 minutes to go. Give the guys, and therefore the team, a chance to make a difference.

I’m still not over chuffed about Harper playing while injured, but we seem to have got away with that so far.

Here’s one for you - Hands up everyone who thinks that Bent is offside? By the reaction of the defenders I can only assume this is what the ref keeps shouting.

At one point Bramble stopped and raised his hand for offside when he was facing the touchline and had his back to the player. The player could have been anywhere. And he wasn’t the only one. Now this is Sunday league stuff.

Shepherd is rumoured to have made a statement after the game that, unfortunately, Newcastle United will not be making offers for either Marcus or Darren Bent.

I would guess, Fred, that you may have misunderstood the fans wishes when they suggested that you should “Get Bent!”

Archie Brand
Bahrain