There are only so many words in the English Language. I have a fairly extensive vocabulary, but there are a great number of words that I would not want to use in an article such as this, and if I used them I’m sure that you would not want to read them.

There are quite a few authors that I wont read, simply because they use too many fancy words. I’m getting on a bit - reading isn’t the adventure it used to be. I’m at the stage now where I read to be informed and entertained , not confused and challenged.

Trouble is, when you write about the same subject again and again, then its inevitable that the same words will keep cropping up.

Thats the situation I find myself in now.

Here are a few repeats from previous incarnations.

“I stand whole heartedly behind the principle of “Freedom Of Speech”, it’s the actual practising of it that pisses me off”.

“I’m all for bringing the youngsters on , and giving people a chance, but in the first team in the premiership is not the place to try to bring on someone who has repeatedly proven he’s not up to it”

“It seems like a scene from ‘The Emperors New Clothes’. Everyone can see it, but nobody is saying anything. Get off, you’re crap!’ ”

“How many times does Titus Bramble have to cost us a goal, or even points before they admit he’s not good enough to play for our team?”

“Shola Ameobi will never be a twenty goals a season man as long as I have a hole in my arse!”

“If Shola has 5 goals, then a half decent striker would have had 10″

All of the above still apply.

Here’s my alternative assessment - there are a few positive points in there but considering that the team is in the same part of the league that it was when both Robson and Souness got the boot, and we’re being steered by a navigator that has hit icebergs with his previous 3 ships, don’t expect the weather report to be a combination of calm seas and a hosepipe ban. The sun has most definitely gone in. And doesn’t look like coming back out in the near future.

Harper - 8

When I were but a young ‘un, as they say, I played in goal for a few teams that were, well, to be polite, fucking garbage.

I won a string of awards. As a goalkeeper you can let 10 in, but if you keep another 10 out they always say things like “If it hadn’t been for Archie it would have been twenty!”.

Shay Given is generally hailed as one of the best keepers in the premiership, and thats probably because he gets to show his talent quite a bit more than others. He has recently said as much himself.

We forget how good Harper is, which is not surprising when he’s playing second fiddle to Given, but he’s a stopper. As shown when he has been put in front of our lot recently.

4 impressive reaction saves in twenty seconds would tend to enforce that statement. I dont think he put a foot wrong - which is quite a feat for on of our lot.

Carr - 6

I slated him against Man United as being not of adequate class. I feel as though I should take some of that back after his performance against Bolton. Naaah - bollocks. He played like a tosser against United - it stays.

However - he was a bit better this week. Making the tackles - some of them on time; making clearances, some of them finding our own team; marking players - some of them theirs.

He did , however, go all “Bramble” on us when he was stripped so easily by Anelka for the first, so only a 6.

My main criticism of Carr is his work rate. Once he’s beaten he just stops and strolls back to where he thinks he should be. No sense of urgency, none of this chasing back for the tackle lark, or hassling the other team. He just strolls. Not even a frolic, or a gambol. He just strolls. Actually it may even be more of an amble than a stroll.

Whichever verb we finally opt for he needs to sort his act out.

It’s almost as if he’s thinking “why bother - its not like they’ve got any quality defenders waiting in line to replace me!”

Moore - 6

To use one of my old metaphors he’s like my aunties gravy, generally tasteless, but pretty solid. A bit like my aunty, he’s not as quick as he used to be, but as he shows, time after time, also like my aunty, he knows how to stop you in your tracks, and when to put you on your back. I think Moore is a thinking mans version of Tony Adams. OK , maybe I should have said a “thinking version of Tony Adams”

I think I also should be grateful that my aunty doesn’t read this stuff.

Moore is the nearest thing we’ve got to a wise head on hard shoulders.

The trouble seems to be that in addition to covering the opposition, he also has to cover his own team mates at times, and as a result he’s getting dragged about all over the place. He ends up being caught in embarassing position in places he shouldn’t be. A bit like my aunty!

Bramble - 4

Here we go again.

My dog Titus went out Monday morning and changed his name by deed poll. He’s now called Charlie Pig. Even a dumb animal can only take only so much of being shouted at, cursed and threatened. And Charlie Pig is seriously dumb.

At first it was quite funny that he thought his name was “Fucking Titus!”, but the Pet Shrink bills are mounting up so it’s Charlie Pig from now on.

Remember the bit at the beginning about repetition, and vocabulary? This is what it was all about.

My dog left the room 16 seconds into the match when, during a typical “nap attack” inside our box, Bramble’s header to Duff came up short and was picked up by Diouf. Fortunately it came to nought, but my Titus was already under the bed by then.

He’s not a weekend kind of dog.

He’s not too keen on the UEFA cup either.

2 dodgy clearances and another trademark nap attack later - all from Bramble - and we find Diouf 6 yards with only a bewildered, scurrying Harper to beat. OK, his team mates contributed, but Bramble gets the assist in my report.

The problem with having a defender of such monumental dodginess is that, like fleas, rust, whooping cough, genital herpes and Paris Hilton’s shag flick - it spreads.

On the second goal we had a veritable epidemic.

Ramage came up short on Davis, Bramble went in long and Moore was in behind Bramble - presumably covering him, as 3 on Davis was a little more than overkill.

Combine this with Carr being unavailable due to “strolling duties” and Diouf forgetting how to fall over, and we end up a goal behind, which we never looked like getting back. It never looked like Rossi, our new “wunderkind” was going to do any damage - at least not for the first 82 minutes.

Ramage - 6

There’s going to finally come a time when I have to stop saying he “did well for a young ‘un” but this isn’t it.

In complete contrast to Bramble he’s coming on well and the Premier League is the place to do it, and he’s proving what he can do.

Maybe Carr should take a look at Ramage and see what it means to some people to play for a team like Newcastle United.

Emre - 5

Our Turkish midfielder has a little bit of a nasty streak that is spoiling his game at the moment.

If it carries on, like the North Koreans at the UN, we’ll be finishing without him, and its not necessary.

His game is good, he tracks back quickly for the tackles and wins a lot of balls, but theres no need for the incessant ankle tapping.

There’s a bit of Paul Gascoigne, or David Beckham there - obvious talent but theres a button that gets pressed now and again, and when it does, it’s not pretty.

Parker - 8

In addition to his usual solid game he turned on the style to the point where I was checking to make sure it was him.

Some fancy footwork and some good runs. Scotty’s turning into a major player for us - don’t know where the stepovers and dragbacks came from but on yer go mate!

Man of the match, without a doubt.

I hope people can differentiate between a good midfielder and a crap England manager.

How bad were England the other night? Reminded me of watching our lot.

Duff - 6

We’re still not seeing the best of our summer bargain, and again I’m concerned about the fact that we might be limiting his contribution by the way the team plays.

It was there for the first couple of games but now he’s lost his shine.

Almost as if he gets up in the morning and says “Oh God, not again!”

More of that later.

Solano - 5

Not match fit (that old chestnut).

I can’t understand why he was out there in front of Zoggy, who has more pace and ability. Showed very little of the old Nobby.

Martins - 5

Just hasn’t clicked yet, but its the old case of no service, no goals. He’s just not getting the ball in the right positions to do anything with it.

Not his fault.

Ameobi - 5

I’m going to watch the game again just so I can analyse the contributions of Ameobi and Bramble. The things I do for you lot.

Refer to my previous comments - particularly the one containing the words “hole” and “arse”.

I accept we dont have a lot of choice up front but when you’ve got Sibierski and Rossi sitting on the bench, why the hell would you put all of your eggs in a basket case called Ameobi?

The ball gets lobbed up to him, and if he gets onto 30% of them he’s doing well. Of those 30% he probably gets a second touch on about 25%, and then he only successfully distributes maybe 10%.

Shit, Halley’s comet is only visible once every 76 years, but it seems to have a better success rate than Shola.

Santa comes once a year - and he has better scoring stats.

And don’t give me that “5 goals top scorer so far” crap.

Not one of them was quality, and as for the penalty - if Jaaskelainen had fallen over to his left, instead of his right , he would have had it. It wasn’t a good spot kick.

Boy are we in trouble when Ameobi is our top scorer, and our chosen penalty taker. If this was the Mackems we’d be pissing ourselves.

N’Zogbia - 6

One of our regular stars who had to suffer the indignity of sitting on the bench until we were in trouble. I cant get my head around it.

Rossi - 5

A bit of a risk even giving him a mark. He was on the pitch with 8 minutes to go and touched the ball twice.

What the hell are we thinking?

Management? The Oxford English Dictionary should sue us for misuse of the English Language.

Roeder - 3

I have asked different versions of this question many times.

We’ve already had “At which point in time do we admit that Bramble isn’t a good enough defender to be playing for Newcastle in the Premier League?”

Showing a lack of invention, and probably vocabulary too, I then asked “At which point in time do we admit that Shola Ameobi isn’t a good enough forward to be playing for Newcastle in the Premier League?”

So I now have to ask the inevitable “At which point in time do we admit that Glenn Roeder isn’t a good enough Manager to be leading Newcastle in the Premier League?” Or should I say “out of the Premier League”?

How many times does he get to say “we made some bad defensive errors” before he leaves Bramble on the bench?

How many more times do we have to go through a game with less than 3 or 4 chances, before he realises that Ameobi is not the target man he’s trying to convince everyone that he is?

Is it going to take a phone call from Ferguson along the lines of “Hey, I gave you Rossi to try to get him some Premiership experience - either play him, or give him back!” before Roeder considers putting the man described by his own team mates as “the best finisher at Man United” into a starting lineup?

What book are we reading when we play Bramble and Ameobi - who would be lucky to get a game in the Championship - and leave Rossi on the bench?

I think its autobiographical, and its called “How To Pay The Biggest Wage Bill In The Championship”

My next article will be published in a foreign language - either Mandarin Chinese, or possibly the African “clicking” language of the Khoikhoi people of the deserts of Namibia and Botswana.

English just doesn’t seem to be getting through to some people.

Archie Brand
Marbles Or Clue - which should I look for first?
Bahrain