In 1882 The Sporting Times published an obituary that stated that English Cricket had died, the body would be cremated, and the ashes would be taken to Australia. Cricket fans out there will instantly recognise this as the story explaining the origin of The Ashes series of tests.

The actual Ashes are reputed to be something along the lines of a burnt stump or bails, and they are housed in a small terracotta urn.

I suggest we do something similar in memory of football at St. James Park.

I don’t particularly care too much where these “Toon Ashes” end up, and I’m not bothered about the little terracotta urn, but I do think something significant should definitely be cremated, and I nominate Freddy Shepherd.

And if I was Glen Roeder I’d be off down Eldon Square looking at asbestos underpants.

I watched the ‘boro game twice. The second time straight after the first.

You know what it’s like when people get so wrapped up in the minutiae that they can’t see the big picture - well I think that’s what we’re dealing with at the Toon.

Plot or Marbles - what should they look for first? They’ve obviously lost both.

I know I’ve harped on about this before but sometimes, particularly when you are dealing with a lack of cranial absorption or similar, you have to repeat yourself. I apologise to the rest of you.

Here we go….. again

Roeder has either taken, or set up to be taken, his last 3 teams on that mystery tour that is called “relegation”. To be completely accurate when I say “last 3 teams” I should really say “every team he has ever managed”. Accuracy is everything in journalism.

He was only given the job because of a miraculous recovery when he took over as caretaker from Souness. Oh, sorry! In the interests of accuracy I should mention that he was accompanied in this achievement by a certain Mr Shearer.

Freddy Shepherd had lots to say in the months leading up to the end of last season, but the gist of it all was along the following lines;

1 We will not rush into appointing a new manager,

2 We will bring in a World Class Manager,

3 Whoever we appoint it is important that he is acceptable to
the fans.

Fred saw a way out of statement number 2 by ensuring that statement number 3 was met.

We’re a fickle bunch, bending with the prevailing wind. It doesn’t even have to be a wind. A fart is often enough to nudge us on our way. One minute we want to have your babies, the next we want your nuts on a skewer.

So at the end of the day, not only does it get dark, but this is all your fault, Toon Army!

Well guess what. End of October, nine games played, seven points on the board and sitting in 16th position. Even at this early stage I would have to say that the Champions League is looking a little bit of a stretch.

So what’s changed? Are we suffering from a terminal lack of Shearer? I would suggest that’s more than likely.

Yes we’ve played a couple of good teams, but even against the bad ones we didn’t exactly shine. And there are more good teams out there to play again.

What else can I add to this fuel of discontent?

Oh yes, how about this?

You don’t have to be a football management guru to come to the conclusion that the assistant/caretaker manager of a team that escaped relegation on the last day of one season, then finally went down the next, is probably not the best choice when it comes to putting together a highly motivated rescue mission brimming with talent, confidence and achievement.

Enter Nigel Pearson. Anyone for a job as Deck Chair Attendant on the Titanic?

Let’s not kid ourselves - big clubs can, and do, go down.

Is it a good thing, or a bad thing that our best central defence combination appears to be 2 kids just out of the academy?

Don’t get me wrong - I think Taylor and Ramage are the Mutts Nuts, but it says something about our management that these kids are the best we have.

Sibierski. He has actually put in some good performances and in my opinion is a better player than Ameobi. But again, stripping it all bare, we took a player who couldn’t get a game at Man City and he’s outplaying “two-touch”, who, if you believe all the hype, was being pushed at one point as a possible replacement for big Al as the Great Geordie Hope.

Remember Roeder telling Ameobi “We’re not looking for someone to replace you, we’re looking for someone to play alongside you”?

That should have been a clue as to where they were aiming. We really should concentrate more.

I usually refer to Ameobi as “two-touch”, but taking into consideration his apparent inability to remain perpendicular to the pitch I’m extending it to “two-touch, Oops!”

OK, remember what I said about Sibierski? Man City reject, playing better than Ameobi? If we are so short of quality forwards how the hell do we end up with Rossi sitting on the bench week after week?

Rooney said “Guiseppe Rossi is the best finisher at Man United”.

Alex Ferguson said “I’m sending him to Newcastle to get some first team experience”.

Glen Roeder said “OK, 83 minutes gone, we’re 2 - 0 down - on you go son!”

The loan signing of Rossi was on a par with mugging Chelsea for Duff as being a stroke of genius.

Sticking him to the bench indefinitely kinda dampens that initial rush don’t you think?

As for bringing in Bernard - he was one of our better players when he was here last, and I admit to being excited at the time, but 2 months later he’s still not match fit. Sounds like we bought an old Peugeot and it didn’t get a warranty.

Martins looks to have some serious potential, but hardly fits into the bracket “proven in the Premiership!” that Roeder was adamant about.

The previous paragraphs are a typical example of the monotonous repetition that appears unhindered on the internet. In my opinion it just happens to be accurate. If you’ve read my comments on the above before, then it means you read at least 2 of my articles and thank you very much. If you are ever in Bahrain look me up and pop round for a beer.

On to the game.

Harper - 7
Played well but there’s something inherently wrong about playing an injured player, knowing that you may have to replace him at some time during the match. He looked to be a little hindered at times but did the business. Well done son.

Carr - 6
Did OK again but his passing let him down. Him? Maybe I should have said “us”. He always looks shagged to me. Maybe he’s still a bit unfit.

Moore - 7
Not bad for an old ‘un. Anyone who is reported to have missed an international match as a result of having a couple of bevvies is fine by me. Where did we get him from? Why did they say he’d been released? Do we care?

When I reached the pinnacle of my playing career the half time whistle heralded a wide range of activities ranging from hair of the dog, through throwing up and on to a cocktail of alka seltzer and aspirin. I was going to add lighting up, but this wouldn’t be strictly accurate as a number of players smoked all the way through the game.

OK. Ignore the allegations - seriously cool player, as good as we’ve had for a while.

Taylor - 7
Coped well but instead of depending on his ability seems to be heading for the “Dark Side” I would like to see clubs introduce significant fines for blatant attacks on the opposition, such a Taylor’s continued use of the elbow. Maybe if he had the cost of a new BMW deducted from his salary over a period of a few months, he’d think twice. Of course subtle attacks on the opposition and blatant ones on your own players are perfectly acceptable. (Oh give me a break! It was a joke!) Cracking save off the line that just about makes up for the fact that he was left stranded by his mark.

I’ll take a break here and pose a question.

On the PGA golf tours players are paid to use manufacturer’s equipment. It gets the kit out there on TV and all of us hapless punters go out in our droves and buy it thinking it will make a difference to our game. I bought a Taylor Made R7 driver a couple of years ago and it made a huge difference. I was hitting my drives a good twenty five yards further into the trees. But I digress.

Is it possible that the Oxford English Dictionary does the same thing with commentators?

On the coverage that I watch everyone has started saying “just about”, but in my opinion in the wrong context. If a keeper pushes a ball around the post they say he has “just about saved it”. If the winger fleeces a defender he has “just about got round him” - even though he obviously has. Is it just me with my limited perception or did “just about” used to mean “almost” or “not quite”?

I’m all for the simplification of the English language to encourage more efficient communication. Confusing the issue doesn’t do any of us any good.

The old Batman TV series with Burt West and Adam Ward demonstrated this superbly with scene where Batman solved one of the usual bizarre clues by pronouncing the word “ghoti” as “fish”.

Pretty straight forward really.

“gh” = “F” as in “cough”
“o” = “i” as in “women”
“ti” = “sh” as in “demolition”

Sign up for Archie’s Campayne For Thu Simplifikayshun Ov Thu Ingglish Langwaj. Spell it as you say it.

It’s my ambition to simplify the language to the point where, one day, in the unlikely event that it was required, even Mackems could fill in their own Season Ticket Application Forms, or taking it a step further even Scousers could fill in their own Applications for Bail.

Now what was my point?

Not a clue. Plot or Marbles?

Ramage - 8
Straight out of Kindergarten and producing the goods. Give him a few years and we should seriously consider thinking about buying him back.

Milner - 7
Continues to show his ability, but at times it seems limited to lesser opposition. It’s a good thing we didn’t let him go in the summer - we’ll get loads more than 4 mil for him in January. It says a lot for the lad that he is playing so well following the transfer cock-up with Villa. He’s obviously a solid individual.

Parker - 8
Well on the way to establishing himself in the England squad. There isn’t another midfielder in the country that gets box to box like him. He’s as likely to be banging in a shot one end as he is clearing one off the line at the other. And in an unusual stroke of luck for us he normally gets it the right way round.

Butt - 6
Not doing an awful lot in my book. He’s onto a loser trying to stand in for Emre but needs to do more. More of everything really.

Duff - 7
Started to play again - more mobile and showing us what he can do. A bit like Milner, Duff doesn’t shine so much against the big boys. Maybe it just needs a bit of time, but if he can perform well against the “lesser” 14 clubs in the league I suppose we could accept that.

Sibierski - 6
Has much better movement into space than Ameobi, and in my opinion better distribution too. Not brilliant in the air and still not the holding target man that Roeder insists on trying to play. Not Sibierski’s fault. I would like to think he played on merit, and not just to rest Ameobi.

Martins - 7
Gets about and causes problems. His finishing is still not quite there but it can’t be far off now. Has the required aggressiveness for his height and unlike some I could mention (and already have) can actually get off the ground when he jumps.

Tips on jumping for professional footballers

1 Up is the preferred direction. (Are you reading this Shola?)

2 Try to aim and time the jump to coincide at some point with the trajectory and arrival of the ball. (St James’ Park, Bolton, Steven Carr. See if you can make a sentence…)

3 Jumping from underneath an opponent makes contact with the ball difficult.

4 To promote power and accuracy the front of the head is recommended. Not the top, not the side, not the back. Anywhere on the front. Nose, mouth and chin are acceptable but not recommended.

5 If your opponent is familiar with hint number 2, then moving behind your opponent to jump is not likely to yield positive results. (These are not secrets - other teams are aware of them) Maybe you should ask him before the game if he knows about it. Do it when you are doing that “fair play, shaking hands” shite, or better still, during the minute’s silence if they have one.
More enforced pointless rituals are just what the game needs.

Shaking hands before the game is all fine and dandy, and it seems to have had a substantial effect on player behaviour on the pitch. Right up to the point where the Ref blows his whistle and the game begins. As for the minutes silence - I always had a problem with a bunch of nobodies (or even anybodies) telling people to whom they must pay respect and how it must be
done.

Following the tribute to George Best it is now acceptable to clap and cheer. Maybe in a few years the traditional minute’s silence will be interpreted as 30 seconds of verbally abusing opposition fans slightly less than normal.

6 Wrapping any part of your body around an opponent while jumping will almost certainly result in some kind of negative result (in the Premiership at least!) If it results in a telephone number you need to take up a different sport.

Ameobi - 5
Didn’t do much at all. His most memorable moment was a side footed effort from outside the box was lucky to even make it as far as the keeper. He didn’t so much save it as anticipate it’s arrival.

N’Zogbia - 5
Didn’t even have enough time to figure out which way he was kicking. No doubt he was just as pissed off as we were.

Roeder - 4
We never looked like scoring at all in the second half, why did it take the Yak’s goal in the 85th minute to bring N’Zogbia off the bench after 88? Did Roeder forget that he had subs available?

Do we still have Rossi, or has he packed his bags and gone back to Manchester?

While we got away with it again, why were we playing with an injured keeper? He didn’t look to have full mobility. During one shot that went narrowly wide he appeared to fall towards the ball rather than dive. Could he have done better with the goal if fully fit? Just a question.

You may have guessed that I haven’t taken to Roeder. He doesn’t have the experience and record we need, and he’s not turning out to be a Kevin Keegan either.

What is your lingering recollection of Mick McCarthy McMackem as manager of Sunnulun?

Could it be how he stood in front of the cameras week after week and announced to the world that “we deserved better, we didn’t get the breaks, we were unlucky”?

He could hardly stand there saying “we got stuffed, we were crap, it’s what we expected” because that would probably have taken him out of the running for the “Motivator Of The Month” award, but there were times when you just knew that was
what he was thinking.

Any of this sound familiar?

Archie Brand
Simmering
Bahrain