It would appear that some things are put on this earth purely to remind us how old we are. As a kid growing up in the sticks of Northumberland, Saturday afternoons consisted of watching the wrestling at 4 o’clock followed by football results on the teleprinter, then at 5:30 it was Dr Who time.

Being what is so affectionately referred to as a “knackered old wrinkly”, I can remember watching Dr Who with the second Doctor, Patrick Troughton.

Now we are onto the eighth Doctor and suddenly I feel as if I’ve earned that oh so affectionate reference.

In this age of animatronics and computer graphics I’m sure today’s kids will find it hilarious that previous generations were terrified by Daleks that resembled lumpy dustbins on wheels sporting toilet plungers and Cybermen that looked like actors wrapped in tinfoil with watering cans on their heads, but at the time it was scary stuff.

All those years ago Saturday afternoons were a veritable cringe-fest that involved peering over the top of the couch in abject terror at the TV, expecting the worst at any moment.

Almost forty years later I find that Saturday afternoons are pretty much the same.

The abject terror, cringing and hiding behind the couch are all there but this time it’s not the Daleks and Cybermen inflicting the pain.

This time it’s more up to date villains that scare the crap out of me week in and week out.

This time it’s Titus Bramble and Glenn Roeder.

Wandering off a bit, you may not think that the end of British Summer Time would have a major effect on us out here in the Middle East, but there are a couple of things that really bug us when you lot put the clocks back every year, apart from
the fact that you dont ask us first.

Last week we were 2 hours in front of you. Football matches starting at 3pm in England reach us at 5pm. Some would argue that its a long way, and 2 hours to do 3,500 miles isn’t bad, but that’s not the point.

Now there’s a 3 hour difference it means that phone calls from drunken mates in the UK arrive an hour further into the night - the concept of time zones appears to be the first to go after a couple of drinks, long before the ability to walk and talk disappear.

And then there’s the subject of evening kick-offs.

In Bahrain the Palermo game kicked off at quarter to eleven.

Unfortunately, thanks to a company social event, I kicked off at 4pm.

I arrived back in the house at 10:44pm just in time to hit the record button.

You must understand that it’s difficult enough trying to watch a match where all the action appears to have been filmed from the top of a distant skyscraper, the commentary is in Arabic, and the shirt colours are seriously dodgy. Trying to cope with all that while fully lubricated just takes it to another level altogether.

I was “jarred” into conciousness briefly at 11:25 when, obviously in an alcohol induced hallucination, I dreamt that Alberto Luque had scored to put us one up.

At this point I decided enough was enough - if I was going to fantasize about anything at all it was only right that I do it in bed with the wife, and off I toddled to my pit, leaving my mate JVC to take care of business.

After a light breakfast containing a couple more aspirins than usual, a trip into “Mayhem Central” to buy a vaccuum cleaner, and a vist to Scarfuck’s Coffee shop for my third of the day, I was back in the house and settled down in front of the TV to watch the previous evening’s events.

Contrary to Blackadder’s statement, it wasn’t all a bloody dream.

This game had been forecast as being free flowing and high scoring. Well they got that one wrong for a start.

The assessment.

Krull - 8

Big debut for the youngster and after a shakey start he settled down well.

When you think about it, with the possible exception of a Jeremy Beadle prank, no-one deserves to start their first team career behind our defence but Krull eased into it quite well.

He found it a bit of a difference from the under 12s where he normally plays and it took a couple of swings for him to find his range, but having been saved from certain embarrassment once by Taylor and once by Moore, Krull went on to get his act together and pull off a number of quality saves. At one point he was off his line faster than Lehmann looking for an argument. Just one of a series of blocks and reflex saves that made for a memorable night for the lad.

It was great to see his enthusiasm after he made his first save.

It would be too easy to throw my Man Of The Match award at him, but I thought there was a more deserving case waiting just a little further down the page.

Taylor - 6

They say that there is a very fine line between genius and idiot. There is a similarly fine line separating good and average, and then average and crap.

Taylor played fairly well, saving Krull’s blushes just minutes in, but there are times when he comes so close to crossing the line and making a right Bramble of it.

He got away with it - made a few timely clearances and managed to stay on the pitch for the duration, which is allways a good sign.

Moore - 7

Yet again the aussie played a good solid game and the transformation of the Toon defence continues. In the same way that having Scott Parker in our midfield has a huge effect on those around him, it seems obvious that Moore has a stabilising effect on the youngsters in defence, who finally seem to be putting some half decent performances together.

Bramble - 6

Titus had a reasonable game and did no worse than anyone else in defence. I continue, however, to object to his presence.

This habit that our defenders are falling into of stopping and raising their hands appealing for offside continues to bug me.

It will be our undoing at some stage, and needs to be addressed. We got away with it in Palermo when everyone stopped, the arms went up and the decision was given - the replay, though, clearly showed that it shouldn’t have been.

You can only get away with bluffing the officials for so long.

I recently had a discussion with a mate of mine where we were debating Aviation Safety. In my defence it’s what I do. His side of the discussion was based around the dictionary meaning of the word “unsafe”. As far as he’s concerned if aircraft aren’t bumping into each other in the sky then it can’t be unsafe.

I suggested that he put on a blindfold and walk across the busy intersection just outside our office. He might get away with it but to argue that it’s not unsafe was just ridiculous.

We then went on to discuss in depth the meaning of the words “ridiculous”, “pedantic”, and “nit-picking arsehole”.

I relay this information only to explain that I believe that playing Titus is very similar to walking across a busy intersection wearing a blindfold. You may get away with it once or twice, but inevitably, before long, you’ll wish that you hadn’t done it.

You could describe this as the time when the shit will hit the van.

Ramage - 7

Didn’t put a foot wrong - more than can be said for me on Thursday evening. My hero. Locally grown, organic and free range.

N’Zogbia - 5

Well below his usual game. Don’t think I’ve seen Charlie have such an indifferent game before.

He did provide some entertainment value as our Arabic commentary team insisted on calling him “Nazagogbiya”

Emre - 7

Did well to fill the void left by Parker’s omission from the team (Scott’s Gap?) Emre controlled the midfield well despite the fact that he still appears to be carrying a back injury.

Butt - 5

Didn’t do an awful lot. Seems to vanish from the game for long periods then puts in a bit of a cameo and disappears again. Nothing negative, just invisible.

Solano - 5

I’ll mark him the same as Butt and give him the same comments. Saves virtual ink in the long run.

Luque - 6

25 years ago Newcastle took on a young lad who had more of a reputation for making pies and sausages than goals.

He strolled around the park looking like he needed a good kick up the arse to get him going.

Jack Charlton described him as always looking knackered.

I’m not trying to compare Alberto Luque to the great Chris Waddle, but sometimes the usual yardstick just won’t do.

It was a different Luque that took the field against Palermo. You still wouldn’t compare his workrate to that of either Scott Parker or Emre but it was good to see him chasing play a bit more and his distribution was inventive with some good flicks and touches.

Damn - he was almost trying!

Maybe we’ve been playing him wrong - he seemed to play better with his back to goal, feeding the ball and then moving on.

Still only a six, but not a bad performance.

His match winning goal was a gift - well taken and brilliantly made, but I’ll bet he couldn’t believe his luck when the ball actually made it to him.

The match stats say that we only had 2 chances on target to Palermo’s 8 , but Luque put one of them in, so full credit must be given for that.

Milner - 8

Played a good game all over the park, switching sides now and again to add to the melee that we so generously refer to as tactics.

The cross that led to Luque’s goal was exquisite.

Flying in the face of press opinion I give my Man Of The Match not to the debutant keeper, but to Milner.

Substitutes Sibierski, Pattison and Carroll had little chance to have any effect on the game during their brief appearances.

Roeder - 6

With Newcastle United there are times when you just can’t see what the plan is. Then there are times when you realise there isn’t one.

We got a win in Europe with a skeleton squad so maybe I should be a bit more generous, but generosity doesn’t flow naturally for me.

At least Roeder used the subs during the game this time, and not in the post match interview like previous weeks - but colour me unimpressed all the same.

Last week we saw Rossi hit the field for a full game after Roeder had taken some serious slagging from all quarters on the very same subject.

In the last couple of game there has been criticism over Harper playing injured - well bugger me - Krull gets a game.

So why doesn’t he listem with Bramble and Ameobi? Is this a democracy, or what?

Check the names on the birth certificates.

Motivation for winning this game was always going to be a complex combination of players fighting for their places, new boys wanting to impress and the added edge that team and management believe that the UEFA Cup is their big chance to achieve something this season.

In my book though the main driving force had to be the fear of the utter humiliation that would have resulted from being beaten by a team wearing pink shirts.

1 - 0 away to Palermo is a result, well done lads, lets see if we can take it to the league.

Archie Brand
Bahrain