It’s Wednesday evening and the Man City match kicks off in about 2 hours. I sat down and started writing this 4 days ago, but gave up on it as it possibly wasn’t topical, but the latest Dyer announcement sent me running back to the computer.

As a kid, did you ever manage to convince yourself that you were going to get that bike you wanted for Christmas, but on the big day all you ended up with was something like an Etch-a-Sketch? There’s nothing wrong with an Etch-a-Sketch, you understand, it’s just not a bike, is it?

I find myself approaching every Toon game these days as an individual Christmas. I’m convinced that someday something magical will happen, but it seems like a bloody long time since I got a bike. Even an Etch-a-Sketch would be nice now and again. How about a Spirograph?

But no - Father Souness just doesn’t seem to be dropping anything off at our house these days. Having watched most of the games this season I get the impression that his Reindeer may have left the odd “gift” on the park, but nothing from the man himself.

What is winding me up more than anything at the moment are the repeated promises of presents that never arrive. I don’t mean wins. Not even goals. The presents I’m talking about are players returning from fitness.

It’s the repeated statements that players are expected to be fit, but we never actually see them. How many times did we expect to see Emre fit again before he eventually turned up on the bench? Dyer? Luque? What forced me to the keyboard tonight was the latest batch of articles, out of the blue, containing speculation that Dyer might make the Man City game.

Then the final one that he’s not quite ready. Another Christmas ruined! Isn’t it bad enough that, as the huge team that we are, we’re performing at a level that justifies the likes of Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards being allowed to turn up at the Olympics? Isn’t it bad enough that the “Depth” of our squad isn’t enough to get your socks wet? Isn’t it bad enough that our board appear to have welded the lid shut on the biscuit tin? Do the club also have to go out of their way to wind us up by promising the earth every week, and then bring us down by not delivering?

Why don’t they just announce the squad on a Saturday morning and use that as the announcement as to who’s still crocked and who’s not? It would certainly be less of a let down than all of those dodgy announcements - which so far appear to be even further off the mark than Shola!

The good news is that if 2 more players are declared fit we’ll be back to a squad strength similar to that of before Christmas. For those who can’t remember - before Christmas we had a good midfield but we couldn’t score goals at one end, and resembled an unsuccessful audition for Billy Smart’s Circus at the other.

It has to be an improvement over the current situation. I think that this may also all be linked to one of my previous gripes - the one that goes along the lines that people who have PCs shouldn’t be allowed to have opinions. How many players have been linked with the Toon during the Winter transfer window?

In the summer it was fashionable to have your agent drop the name of Newcastle United into any conversation with the media, in an effort to force the hand of your club. After all, we obviously had a shed load of money to throw around. The Winter window was no different - though the credibility of those doing it this time round left a lot to be desired. After all - we had made a dozen announcements that we weren’t buying unless someone left. (Did this include Souness?) Has any other club in the history of the Premiership been responsible for players signing so many contracts - with other clubs?

It’s nice to know that we’ve established at least one record in recent history. Anyone who checks sites such as “NewsNow”, who round up all web articles on a particular subject for you, will have noticed that sensational articles multiply like pyramid schemes - and are just as dubious.

For a team with no money to spend we’ve been actively following 15 players. My wife - God bless her Mastercard - quite often goes out without money, but the car boot is always full when she comes back. Maybe Fred’s been round the other clubs asking if they “take Plastic?” Maybe it wasn’t worth their while, due to the total lack of interest.

Memo to Graeme Souness; Graeme play O’Brien on the left wing with Luque and Shearer up front. Big Al needs someone next to him and something in my water tells me that Luque is going to come good. (There again it may just be kidney stones).

Ameobi has a second touch like a Yeti. A lot of people believe it exists but nobody has ever managed to film it. With the “Bumble B’s” at the back we don’t have anyone capable of covering in the highly unlikely event that something goes wrong (Babayaro commits too early, Boumsong gets too tight and gets turned, Bramble takes a nap!)

Put Ramage in the middle and move Bramble out to the right. It’s just too much to ask Ramage to cover for all 3 when he’s stuck out on the right. Give him a fighting chance. Now we have a usable team. Oh, one more thing - push Bramble out further right. And then a bit more. 3rd row of the dugout is about right.

For those of you who think I’m being a bit harsh, this is the guy who was cheered when brought on as a substitute - by the opposition’s fans. Get the sports car paid off Titus - in my book it’s touch and go who’s out the door first, you or Souness.

Well, it’s time to pack up, grab a beer and watch the unfolding of that awesome spectacle that is known as The Match. I sincerely hope that tonight’s performance gives you grounds to pull to pieces every preceding paragraph that I’ve written this evening.

But I somehow doubt it. As another weekly Christmas approaches we brace ourselves for the usual combination of Reindeer droppings and assorted Nuts.

Archie Brand Bahrain.