You know what it’s like. You hear something that makes you laugh and you just have to share it with everyone. No, I’m not talking about those bloody awful e-mail attachments that you get day in day out where if you trawl your way through a hundred you might find a faint giggle buried in there somewhere. I’m talking rib tickling , belly bouncing, lager spurting out your nose, wet yourself type funny. So I thought I just had to share it.

When Freddy Shepherd couldn’t actually pull a “world class manager” out of his arse by the end of the season, as he promised he would, he decided that the Professional license, required to manage a premiership team, did not apply to Newcastle United. Of course this was nothing to do with the fact that the world class manager of his choice didn’t have this particular qualification. Now that Fred has failed to deliver in the transfer market the transfer window is “ridiculous” and “prevents professionals from working”.

Not actually the case - but nice try Fred. If they are in contract, they are working. If they’re not then they are free to move outside the window. “We didn’t drag our feet and nobody is to blame”. Sorry Fred, but an initial analysis of available data would suggest that you missed the boat on one or more transfers by not bringing them in before closing time. And as you were fully aware of closing time - it’s not like they moved it - then that would suggest that somebody IS to blame. “The window is to blame” See my previous comment.

When it comes to transfers I think there are basically two different kinds. And I’m talking about real transfers here - not Rossi’s or even West Ham’s - real ones. First of all there’s the “Bernard”. We don’t want him , so you can have him. These, like used cars, can vary in price from “Manky Lada” to “Pristine Aston”. The other kind is known as “Shepherd’s Folly”. Freddy wakes up in the morning and says “I had a dream - I know who I want”. Unfortunately, what with Fred not being 100% in touch with reality, he quite often tries to buy players that are not actually for sale. In the old days (2002) other clubs would just take one look at Fred’s immense wad and cave in to his every whim. These days however, Fred’s is no longer the biggest wad out there. As a result he has to be a little more realistic when chosing his targets.

“You have to remember - some of these clubs don’t want to sell…” Well maybe we should be trying to buy players that they DO want to sell. We’d probably be more successful in completing those ones on time. I have to admit to personally not actually possessing the UEFA Pro License, so what do I know? Homer Simpson summed it up with such eloquence when he remarked - “DDDOOOHHHH!”

Now that Fred failed in his mission he actually has the cheek to blame the Transfer Window. Here are a few tips for Fred and Glenn when it comes to buying players; 1. Decide who you want to buy more than 36 hours before the transfer window closes. 2. Try to conclude all deals before the transfer window closes. It’s a little known fact that the transfer window not only closes, but earlier in the year it actually opens too. Some of the less experienced managers have been known to achieve this on more than one occasion. 3. Be realistic in your choice of target - It probably wasn’t a good idea to try to buy Shevchenko from Chelsea on the 31st August. 4. Be a little more modest - it’s very difficult to impress someone like Roman Abramovich by leaving your big fat wallet on the bar when you go for a piss. 5. Try to avoid opening your mouth and actually talking during the “window”. In particular avoid phrases such as “99% sure”, “we should have 3 in by the time the window closes”, and my particular favourite “watch this space”

We are 100% sure that you didn’t get the 3 you wanted and we are still watching the space, which from here appears to be still empty. Here’s an example of what you should say. “We’re not actually looking for anyone - we’re just hoping to fluke our way into the top 4 towards the end of the season then make a killing in Europe. What’s the point? We may stumble across a few fuck-wits over the summer and if any of them can actually kick a ball - then that’s a bonus”

With a statement like this the fans will cream themselves when you land the odd Duff. They might even manage a smile when you announce the arrival of someone like Sibierski. But do us a favour Fred, don’t piss the fans off by trying to convince them that you delivered when you obviously didn’t. And don’t follow it up by trying to blame a transfer window that every other team has managed to work with. Do the decent thing and explain your actions. Tell us about all of those wonderful deals that fell through so that we can make an informed decision as to what you really are.

Archie Brand
Can’t Stop Giggling
Bahrain