As my reputation as a miserable old git may be at stake here, let me say straight away. There was a glimmer of light at the end of the St. James’ Park tunnel, and for once it may not have been a train. Is it possible that due to some horrendous mix up at the post office, attacking football is on its way back to Newcastle? What a glorious sight it was to see Martins, Milner and Rossi attacking the goal like…..like ….like actual strikers! Stunning. Just stunning. No Dyer? No Owen? No Duff? Now, down to business.

The saying goes “The more things change - the more they stay the same” Some things just never seem to change with Newcastle. “Think defence. Think Titus” Is it worth me continuing? Devil this side, deep blue sea that, and guess who’s in the middle? Babayarro was never fantastic but he was getting better. He gets himself banned and we end up with Titus. No wonder Roeder is furious.

Now Titus gets himself banned. I’ve heard rumblings that when Titus piled his BMW into a garden wall near Ipswich last month the name on his driving license was “Titus Shepherd Bramble”. That would explain an awful lot. On a weekend when Bellamy claims that Newcastle don’t want to see him do well, I would suggests that he’s so far off the mark that he should just keep his mouth shut and show everyone what he can do with his feet. We’re not upset because he’s doing well. Because he’s still breathing - maybe, but not because he’s playing well. That would be childish.

Lets get straight into the Alternative Assessment Everton at home.

Harper - 6

Having Harper in goal is a bit like having your teeth out and replacing them with dentures. They do an admirable job but they’re just not what you’re used to. Not having Shay Given in goal is strange. But if we’re honest Harper did a good job. He pulled off a couple of corkers and showed courage when it came to the crunch with the Toffees. Good all round job to help rebuild his, and the teams confidence following the old lady impression that was Liverpool. “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

Carr -5

Not as good as his recent form but still fairly solid. Contributes well upfield and that’s what we like to see.

Moore - 5

Again - not up to his usual form. Moore has added missing stability to our back line. OK, not so much “missing” as “extinct”. I would suspect some kind of scientific experiment was required to bring our stability back to life. St Jurasic Park maybe? Anyway - he has a footballing brain, which puts him above many of the others on two counts. He made the odd mistake giving the ball away needlessly a couple of times but he certainly wasn’t the worst offender on the night.

Bramble - 4

Did well for a while. A very short while. Then the mist came down. We really do need to review his medication. More than a couple of times he was caught so far out of position I thought he’d already been sent off. He couldn’t mark a chalk board. 2 weeks ago I complained he was caught ball watching. Well it appears that Titus has worked on that part of his game. This time his eye was firmly fixed on the player. He didn’t have a fucking clue where the ball was. His nap-attacks are both legendary and lethal and he has the decision making ability and commitment of Bill Clinton.

As a Claustrophobic Narcoleptic it appears that he spends all of his time looking for open spaces in his own box, then when he finds one he goes to sleep in it. Those 2 tackles were so far off target I think the referee was almost embarrassed to send him off. A friend of mine described the tackles as “Chicken Pox” - more than a little rash! He was rather fortunate that the ref didn’t see his Come Dancing audition with Cahill, or he could have been off a lot earlier.

Rewind to my previous comments, from previous games, from previous weeks, from previous seasons. He’s not good enough for Newcastle and the Premiere League is not the place to try to “bring him on”. Roeder seems to think he’s still working in the Academy, trying to encourage young talent. If Roeder keeps faith in him, by the time he gets it right we could have one of the best back four line ups in the Coca Cola Championship League.

Ramage - 6

Mr Utility strikes again. Ramage is in a unique position in so much as they seem to think he’s not good enough to be first choice in any position, but he’s second choice right across the back line. If we could just rethink our choices, we might be in with a chance. In the original Auf Wiedersehen Pet “Barroiy” summed it by selecting yellow as the colour to paint the hut. “No colour got two votes as first choice but yellow got 3 votes as second choice, so yellow it is.” Ramage seems to be Newcastle’s “yellow”. A global second choice, which given our injury record should mean that he’ll be playing every week. “That’s democracy - everybody gets what nobody wants”

Parker - 7

Another “transplant” performance. Heart, guts and balls. Ring Ring! England calling! Big Mac was there watching and he must have liked what he saw. You get the impression he’d find a passport for Amdy Faye before he put Beckham back in there. I was a bit concerned when Parker was moved up front a few weeks ago, at the same time as being made captain, but like little Archie and the twins he continues to rise to the occasion. Another first class performance. Do you think he oils his legs before each game? How else do you explain all those perfect sliding tackles? Maybe he should give Titus some advice. Something along the lines of “Nissan are hiring”

Emre - 5

I think Emre is a bit of a slow starter. Maybe too much Turkish delight during the off season, but I think he’s starting to get his edge back. Maybe its just a “match” fitness thing but he’s starting to show a bit of that magic we saw last season. And on top of that he’s doing a bit less running around and a bit more passing. I’m almost impressed.

N’Zogbia - 7

We don’t get to say this very often, so we better make the most of it. Are we lucky or what? Duff is out injured and we can put Charlie Zog in as a replacement. Charlie was a whizz out there. Underneath the definition of “Unfair” in the dictionary it says “losing your place to Damien Duff when you are the most consistent player in the team”. He just seems to get quicker and better.

Milner - 7

There are so many different types of character out there. If you believe everything that you read in the papers Milner was going to “work to rule”. Toys out the pram, that type of thing. But his performance against Everton was almost flawless. With the possible exception of the madness towards the end where the referee shouted “Simon Says give the ball away” and everyone played along for about 10 minutes.

Ameobi - 5

Just once I’d like to see him surprise everyone and stay up when he’s tackled. I realise its difficult with those big shoes on but generally standing up is considered one of the most basic requirements for a footballer. And apart from that he couldn’t trap a totoise. A rheumatic tortoise. A rheumatic two legged tortoise - tied to a breeze block. Do you get where I’m going with this, or do I have to explain it more? One comment here on the interpretation of the rules. When Shola got the ball from Emre’s free kick he almost lost possession when he first checked to see if the Refs Ass. had given him offside before shooting. If the ref had blown his whistle there was no way Shola would have heard it with the racket from the Geordie Faithful, so he had to check first, just to make sure, otherwise he could have been booked. As a result he was nearly tackled. How insane is that?

Martins - 7

Last week I had my doubts that he would find his feet in English football. What a difference a week makes. He does this running lark quite well, but he’s mastered the art of going in more than one direction. He tracks back extremely well and unlike some of our Local Heroes he’s capable of putting tackles in and taking the ball. I hope Luque is training with him. Roeder has told Oba to relax in front of goal. I say bollocks to that! We’ve already got a busload of players who are relaxed in front of goal. And they don’t score shit. What we need are more excited ones like Martins and Rossi peppering the goal from all angles and distances.

Subs

Sibierski - 5

Nothing special. Still too early to judge him. Needs some hair if he’s going to make it with us. Bald players don’t do well for the Toon. It’s a scientific fact. Something to do with cold weather and coal dust.

Rossi - 7

I can only assume that the Toon got Rossi from Ferguson on the understanding that he won’t actually play full games. Rossi was on for ten minutes and had 5 attempts at goal. He got the ball in crowded areas and found enough space to shoot. He moved forward into the Everton defence and caused more havoc in that 10 minutes than anyone else on the park managed in 90. Seppe has been called the best finisher in the Man U squad, and that’s by Rooney so why is he sitting on the bench so much? Maybe there’s more to this loan deal than meets the eye.

Referee - Steve Bennett

More like Gordon Bennett! I bet his wife nags him a lot. Life just seems to keep throwing challenges at us. Things like The Rubik Cube, Lada cars, the success of “The Office”. Things that you just can’t figure out. A bit like Titus and Shola making the starting line up.

While a draw was a poor result I actually came away almost impressed. I’ve watched the second twice and still cant believe it. The temperature was down to 28 degrees C this morning so I better sign off and go fill the hot water bottle.

Archie Brand
Chillin’ In Bahrain