Well, has this been an eventful World Cup or what? Does a camel shit in the desert? What have we seen so far? Where do I start? Obviously the main news for England so far just happens to the news that interests us Toon supporters the most. In the service of his country Michael Owen has been stretchered off and will be out for 6 months or more. The curse strikes again.

Didn’t anyone tell fate that Souness has moved on? I don’t want to get into the stuff that you’ll see everyone talking about. Stuff like was he brought back too early? Did the rehabilitation for his broken foot contribute to his knee breaking down? All that crap that again, will only be speculation. I want to chat about other things.

In my last rant I discarded my loyalty to my local satellite provider because they tried to rip me off by charging an arm and a leg, and another dangly part. My subscription is due in a few days and they can shove it where the sun don’t shine - The Stadium Of Light, I think it’s called. I still get to watch all the games but Firstnet aren’t getting a penny for it. They say competition is healthy - it might be a bit more healthy if it were entirely legitimate but in my defence I was driven to it by a combination of commercial greed, my own impeccable, if somewhat selective principles, and the wonders of modern technology.

At this point I would like to pay tribute to the inventors of the internet, and a possibly technologically less advanced, but equally enthusiastic local enterprise known as Sunshine Electronics. So I now have more channels than a sane man could possibly watch - I had the opening World Cup game on 15 different channels. In fifteen different languages. It would be nice if the post match interviews with the players were either carried out in English, or at least translated into English, but as my connection is “suspect” at best I don’t get to complain about these things too much.

One thing I have noticed though is how well todays referees manage to keep up with play. No matter where the ball is - there they are. Lob the ball 60 yards up field and by the time it hits the ground , there’s the ref waiting for it. One keeper boots it to the other and the individual who is furthest forward just happens to be the ref. That keeper punts it back up field and there he is again. It’s a bit like the pizza delivery and the ambulance.

When you call for an ambulance you can wait up to 45 minutes, but Pizza Hut can make a pizza and deliver it to your door in les than 30 minutes, or you get your money back. So if you need to get to hospital in a hurry you’re better off ordering a pizza and asking them to drop you off at the Royal Victoria on their way back.

The first question has to be “why are the refs faster than our players?” Next question - “can we sign them up?” Final question “Why the hell do they have to get in the way so much?” A lasting memory of this world cup, apart from their dreadful inconsistency from game to game, will be the sight of referees skipping out the way and players either bouncing balls off them or having to dribble round them.

What is it with these guys? Can’t they just accept that it’s not supposed to be about them? Can’t they just keep out of the way? They were probably ignored a lot as kids.

A more serious issue appears to be the pitches in Germany. Not the comical bobble that nearly robbed one keeper of his credibility, but something else. Something that may have contributed in no small way to Owens injury. It was particularly noticable in the first few games that a lot of players seemed incapable of standing up for the duration of the game. Not the falling-over-under-duress type of not standing up, or even the off-the-cliffs-at-Acapulco-into-the-penalty-box-dive type of not standing up.

This is more along the lines of the old ladyish “I’ve-fallen-over-and-I-can’t-get-up!” type of not standing up. It was as if the pitches had been freshly oiled. The lengths these Germans will go to… Of course I would never imply that the Deutsches would ever do such an underhand thing. Why they would ever need to try to sabotage our chances? Between our defence’s suicidal tendencies for playing short passes across the back four when a boot into row Z would do, and the desire of the so called sports press to make a name for themselves at the expense of the team, I think I can say with a fair degree of confidence that making progress to the next stages as difficult as possible is something that we can manage quite well on our own, thank you.

It can be quite amusing sitting out here watching the games, keeping track of the results and then reading the barrage of criticism being hurled at the England Coach. I work with a wide range of nationalities and they just sit in total disbelief asking why the English press appear to work so hard at destroying the nation’s confidence and belief in the team. At times you can almost forget that we actually qualified for the finals, and at the time of writing this we have comfortably made the final 16.

You can also come close to forgetting that, until a couple of weeks ago, it was generally agreed that we had our best team, and hence our best chance of winning the competition, in decades. On the tactical front I always think that it’s best to keep your secret weapon, well, what’s the word I’m looking for? Secret? Let’s keep Walcot under wraps for the moment. And bring him out only when we need him. If things get tough we know that Lennon will either run rings round the oppositions defence or at least draw a penalty.

What will Walcot do to them. There’s a reason Sven brought him along, and I hope it wasn’t just to clean Owen’s boots. If we go out of the competition, and Sven still hasn’t unveiled his secret weapon, then that’s the time we should be asking what the hell he was doing. Up until now I kinda get the idea that he hasn’t done too badly. I do find it rather ironic that Graham Taylor is considered such an expert on tactics when, as the man incharge of the England team in 1993 he he became a member of a very select club - England managers who have failed to take their teams to the World Cup Finals.

His record in first class football wasn’t exactly stunning either, being more famous for looking after Elton John’s toy box than tactics. Instead of coming out with comments such as “Sven should do this” and “he didn’t do that”, I would think that comments such as “Let me take care of that for you Sven - I have an extra roll of Andrex here” would be more suitable. But only if he’s up to it of course.

On the Toon front, I can’t wait to see the bus turn up at the park next week with all our new signings. It must be at least a 22 seater. However, I do hope that we’re better at attracting proven players than we are proven managers. And I also hope that the Fat Controller has figured out how to open that pigskin wallet of his. Maybe Sir John should sell his shares and donate a few quid to the “Now we have to replace Michael Owen as well as Alan Shearer” fund.

Having already ruffled the feathers of the footballing world by appointing Roeder as Manager, I hope Fred is going to fire a parting shot by taking on the FA over compensation for Michael Owen. Of course the principle with Owen being injured while playing for England is important here, but of more importance is the fact that if he does fire a parting shot, by definition it means that fatso’s on his way.

In the mean time I hope this is posted in time so that we can cheer just a little louder for the lads out in Germany and here’s hoping that we do well, if for no other reason than to shut up those whinging, supercritical bastards from the press. Another bunch incapable of properly utilising Svens personal stock of Andrex.

Archie Brand
Bahrain
Long Live Dreambox