In the same way that our footballers need a rest during the summer so that they can return invigorated for the next season, you have been fortunate enough to have a break from me, and hopefully you feel the better for it. Of course, the World Cup is once again upon us, and unlike the World Series in baseball, more than one country gets to take part.

Of all the locally available satellite systems available in the Middle East I have religiously subscribed to the one that has had sole rights to the Premier League for the last 3 years. A few months ago 2 additional sports channels appeared. 6 weeks ago the names of the channels changed to World Cup 1 and World Cup 2. Yes!! We’re in. Until a couple of weeks ago when they mysteriously went blank.

Calling the local rep I was told that they were not free and he then gave me the details of what was required to get them. I generally pay my subscription on a 3 monthly basis as I can never really be sure how long I’ll be here. To get the world cup I have to pay 6 months in advance - around 130 quid, plus another hundred and fifty for the World Cup. Perhaps he misunderstood - perhaps he thought I wanted him to book me a flight and get me tickets to all the matches.

But no, 280 quid to watch a few football matches on the box. Firstnet - can you spell “Rip-Off”? I live 300 yards away from my local bar which shows almost all matches live. Thankyou Firstnet, you have given me an acceptable excuse to spend 4 nights a week for the next month in the boozer - and my wife approves. As a protest to this blatant “get rich quick” exploitation of their license I have to refuse to renew my subscription, of course, and make a big song and dance about it while I do it.

However , I’m not too sure how far through next season I’ll be able to push my luck with the pub thing, before the missus tells me to renew the subscription and start hitting the gym again. I’ve just poked my head out of hibernation to cover a couple of points, before I disappear again into my Air Conditioned environment for the next few weeks. The month of May has just left us and fancy computer thing on the car dash swears blind that the outside temperature is 43 degrees C.

A quick mental conversion to Fahrenheit puts that somewhere near “Damn Hot”! The points I want to cover? Again I would like to confirm my full support for the concecpt of free speech for all, and also renew my call for the death penalty for anyone using it. I like to keep up to speed with affairs of the Toon by trawling the internet. I don’t actually do this myself, you understand, I rely on the News Now website to do it for me.

News Now searches the web for articles relating to Newcastle United and gives me an up to the minute list. I then browse through them looking for anything remotely interesting. The problem appears that News Now do not have any form of hard or software “Shite-Detector” installed. As a result I spend hours of my life sifting though various reports about who Newcastle are looking at, chasing, and intending to sign.

The next few hours are spent ignoring statements from various sources denying that we are looking at, chasing and intending to sign these people, plus the ones where the people we are chasing looking at and intending to sign tell us that they are flattered and that the Toon would be a dream move, or that they are currently speaking to 23 different clubs.

Then the clubs they are playing for say they are going nowhere, and this is followed by their agents saying that they are happy where they are and that they have a contract, blah blah blah blah!! This garbage is perpetuated by sites like Clubcall who will just repeat anything they read without any effort on their part to try to prove its veracity first. Scum of the earth. Of course that is just my own personal opinion. Something I find interesting at the moment is that Boro feel that the appointment of Glenn Roeder has now set a precedent and they can appoint Gareth Southgate as their Manager.

I really can’t see the similarities beyond the point that neither has the required qualifications. I can’t actually see the reason for the requirement. If Steve Gibson wants to risk his millions on the ability of Gareth Southgate to look after Boro, then surely that should be the concern of only Gibson and his board (and maybe the shareholders)? Why do the LMA have to get involved?

Surely if Gibson wants to appoint the proverbial “Candlestick Maker”, then why shouldn’t he. We’re not talking about installing Gas Appliances, or carrying out surgery. We’re talking about the process of buying and selling players - a process which is overseen by the Chairman, his board and goodness know how many administrative and legal staff. Sounds to me like somebody somewhere is trying to set up some “jobs for the boys”

My final little “rant-ette” for today is the talk in the press that World Cup referees have been instructed by the FA to clamp down on things like diving, shirt pulling and wreckless tackles. Isn’t it a little unfair to suddenly change the interpretation of the rules just for the World Cup? Players - particularly those from South America, Spain and the BergKamp household - have been going to ground in extravagant displays that would not be out of place on the stage at the London Palladium for many years now.

Most penalty boxes look like an audition hall for Strictly Come Dancing, and the likes of Savage and Campo forced Vinnie Jones to give up football and take up acting. It just got too physical for him. My point is - Why issue the guidelines at such short notice, forcing the players to change the way they play, when they could have changed them at the beginning of last season, giving everyone plenty of time to adjust to the new namby- pamby continental netball rules?

All seems a bit short sighted. Surely, if they can allocate the hosting of the competition to a country ten years in advance then they can decide which rules they are going to screw with at least at the beginning of the season before the competition. Don’t be surprised if you see the refs explaining some extra new rules in the tunnel before kick-Off.

Other things to think about? Please - no black armbands and minutes silences, unless someone actually dies on the pitch. I’m totally fed up with thousands of fans being held ransom to enforced shows of so-called respect because the groundsman’s cat died a fortnight before.

You wouldn’t expect to go to a memorial service and be forced to watch a game of football, would you? As for the football hooligans. Arrest the lot of them, throw them inside, then those for whom video evidence removes all possible doubt of innocence, throw them all into a locked room and only allow one to leave. Scum of the earth - a bit like people who express baseless speculation as fact on the internet.

Well not quite the same. Some hooligans you could take a liking to. Maybe we should have a combined sporting event where the half time entertainment is a WWF style cage match in the stands at half time. There can be only one! Well, the temperature has gone up a couple of degrees, its the weekend , so we’re off to play golf.

We’re not totally warped, we only play 9 holes, plus we’ve discovered one of those health drinks that ensures that you don’t get dehydrated and keel over, and it gives you plenty of nutrients and minerals to keep you going. It’s called Heineken. Good luck England, lets see if you can bring something home other than the usual bag of lemons.

Archie Brand
Warming up in Bahrain