This player fancies himself as an international. He’s only with the toon for the money, in fact he’s a mercenary little b******. He rarely plays for us, he’s usually got some injury or other. He has no loyalty to the club, he’s more interested in swanning around with his international mates than playing for us. Since we signed him he’s done nowt for us, absolutely nowt. It cost us millions to sign him, millions to pay him and for what? An injury list as long as your arm, no longer the player he was, in fact he might be finished with his record. The best thing we could do is sell him now, to the highest bidder, and get him off the payroll.

So did you get it? Did you say Kieron Dyer? Well he fits the profile but he’s long gone thankfully. How about Damien Duff? Nope, no-one seems to think he’s a waster despite his poor injury record. Celestine Babayaro? He fits the profile too but we can rule him out because he NEVER plays for us and isn’t therefore technically a player. Yes, step forward Michael Owen! Isn’t he the biggest mercenary waste of space we’ve ever signed? To think he’s keeping Oba Martins out of the team! Wouldn’t you be delighted if we just hoyed him out of the club?

Well actually, I wouldn’t be delighted at all. However some fans seem to think that because he’s been injured on international duty, gets paid a lot and wants to play for his country, he’s a liability to the toon and we should get rid. It seems he was even booed onto the pitch against Everton. Now either I’ve got the wrong end of the stick or there are some people who think that Michael Owen’s not worthy of a toon shirt.

I just don’t get it myself. It’s hardly his fault he got injured at the last world cup; even if he wasn’t fit, you can’t fault a player for wanting to play. He hardly said “I’ll show those Geordie bastards by getting myself crocked for the best part of a season, ha ha!” If anyone’s to blame, it’s Svennis and his half arsed bunch of quacks who in their desperation to progress let a player on the pitch who was still in rehab. Any player worth his salt wants to play - it’s up to the manager to rein him back when it’s not in his best interest. Eriksson let us down badly their in my opinion, but that’s no surprise.

It’s also hardly his fault he’s paid a lot of dosh - step forward and take a bow Mr Shepherd, who in his desperation to sign Owen offered him more cash than he could possibly stuff in his trousers even if they were the size of Wales. Fair play to Owen I say, I’d do the same in his position, and fair play to Freddie for getting him in against all the odds. Either we can afford the cash to pay him or we can’t. Give him Ameobi’s wages too while you’re at it.

And why the hell shouldn’t he play for England if he wants to? Does anyone seriously think he views playing for the toon as the pinnacle of his career and the fulfilment of his talent? Was there some kind of gentleman’s agreement that he wouldn’t play for England when he signed for us, that the little git’s reneging on now? Or perhaps he has some kind of secret Geordie lineage that I’m unaware of that’s turned him into some kind of blood traitor in people’s eyes when he turns out for England?

Either he’s fit to play for England or not - and as I’ve said already, if he’s not fit then the England manager shouldn’t play him for a single minute. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting to turn out for your country. Yes, he might crock himself again - let’s face it the odds are on him to do it over two games - but he’s no different from all the other toon players who go away on international duty (and even bloody Carr would do it if he could lever his bloated frame off the treatment table to turn out for Ireland) who we hope and pray return to us from the wars safe and sound.

Ladies and gentlemen, here we have one of the greatest goalscorers of his generation, one of the few players in our current squad you could describe as world class. A player who can turn a match on its head for us because he can score goals from any position and from meagre pickings. Not some bloody acrobat who is more likely to screw the ball wide and needs ten chances to score. Not some fat b****** with the mobility of a bus who may be arsed to turn up and play if you’re lucky. Not some gangly joker with the first touch of a rapist who belongs in Division 2 or whatever they call it these days. No, here we have a true professional and a legend in the making who plays for us. And some people want to boo him on and off the pitch - to me it beggars belief.

The truth is, these days many players are mercenary and self- serving with no respect for the clubs they play for. In the case of Owen, we have someone who’s proven, supremely gifted and totally professional. That’s about as good as it gets really these days. I wonder whether some of this situation lies in the influence of the papers - let’s face it they’ve had it in for us since before the days of Shepherd and Halls’ brothel creeping escapades - and they’re stirring it up again with this Owen v Allardyce nonsense, and inventing a conflict where none exists. Plainly Owen doesn’t help himself with his lukewarm announcements and lack of rebuttals. Certainly he could give his ego a rest and make an effort to generate some positive PR; but anybody who believes the papers is a sucker.

I’d suggest that if you’re lucky enough to have a truly world class striker who plays for your club, especially when it’s not in Champion’s League and hasn’t won a pot to piss in for 38 years, the best way to treat him is forget the shit the papers sling, cherish the little greedy b****** and pray to God he sees out his contract and signs another one. Because one day in the last 5 minutes of a match that matters he might be the difference between a shiny pot and just another year.