Sorry Douglas, we won’t be changing the title to ‘Mega Sam: Season 1′ after all. Shepherd changed his mind on the golf course, even after I applied a little negotiating pressure with the sand wedge he still wouldn’t agree. Never mind, he couldn’t say a word at the press conference so all the media was on me. Anyway, here’s the next bit for the book.

Meeting new colleagues for the first time is always important. I remember the first time I rolled up in Wrens Nest secondary school and met the games teacher. “Look mate”, I told him, “I’m Big Sam, and that means I play with the Big Boys and if I say we’re doing double set pieces with after school defensive drills that means we do double set pieces and after school defensive drills.” He gave me detention, and told me I’d never play for him with that attitude, but three crunching tackles on his first choice centre halves in lunchtime kickabouts later he knew the score.

Anyway meeting the Newcastle Lads for the first time was a very different experience. For a start nobody in Wrens Nest wore that much jewellery, even Sandra Tupplethwait, and her mum was a beautician. It was like looking at Big Ron’s medallion collection. I knew I had to get their attention, impress them with my credentials.

“Right lads” I told them. “I’m Big Sam, but you can call me Boss, Sir or Guvnor. Take your pick. I’m here to turn you all into world beaters. Highly motivated, professionals who can take on the world and win. By the time I’m through with you they’ll be calling you the next Kevin Nolan” I say pointing at young Milner “and you” I continue “you could be as good as Kevin Davies”. I could tell right then that Shola had never thought about his career in those kind of terms. That’s the thing with footballers, you’ve got to give them something to aspire to.

“When I turned up at Preston North End” I say “They were in the fourth division. But they made me captain and I got them up into the third, that’s the kind of thing you can only achieve with hard work and graft. Can you imagine what that kind of success would mean here?” I could see them thinking about that. Some players go their whole career without knowing what it means to get out of the fourth division, but I have this effect on people. Suddenly, anything is possible, and that’s because I’ve been there and done it, and it rubs off on folk.

“Lads” I say in a bit of a conspiratorial voice “In a few seasons we could even be playing in Europe. Right up there with Tottenham, Everton and my last club Bolton, really mixing it with the big boys. Can you imagine it?”

There’s a look of amazement in the room, then this one bright spark puts up his hand

“I don’t have to imagine it Guvnor” he says “I’ve done it”

“What!, are you telling me you think you’re bigger than me? Bigger than this club?”

“No boss” he says “I’ve played 30 UEFA cup games and 6 in the Champions League, that’s all”

I saw red after that. No player has the right to set his career up against mine. I’m Big Sam, I’ve been there, seen it and done it, and once a player gets it into his head that he’s bigger than me they’ve got to go. Got to have clarity, got to let them know who’s boss.

“You’re out” I yell “You’re out and don’t come back. I won’t have anyone thinking they’re bigger than me. No-one. You!” I point at someone in the room at random “How tall are you?”

“I’m one ninety eight.” he says “that’s like six foot six in British”

“and I suppose that makes you think you’re big does it?”

“Well I’m like 231 pounds dude, yeah, I think I’m pretty big”

“Then you’re out as well!, because I’m the only Big Man here, do you understand? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”

From the look on his face he didn’t, but if a player can’t get the basic concepts right then he’s got no chance. These days a player has to be up to speed on his sports science and that starts with knowing what’s big and what isn’t.

After that I had what Doctor Salisbury, my personal mental trainer, calls ‘a bit of an episode’. It’s a side effect of being 1000% committed to everything I do, sometimes I just find myself in the Red Zone, taking instant decisions. By the time I came back down to the level most people operate at I’d taken a lot of decisions. The training room door was gone for a start, and I’d improved the ventilation by removing some windows. I think I got rid of a few other players as well, but I’ve learned to trust in the decisions I make in the red zone. I was just wrapping up the meeting when someone came in

“G’day” he said, shoving something that looked like a can of lager into his pocket “Sorry I’m late, I know you’ve heard a few bad things about me, but you’ll be pleased to know that’s all behind me now. From now on I’m gonna be top dollar, back to my best, the Big Craig Moore”