A king had three sons. One day he went on a long journey overseas. Before he left he said to his sons:

“I will be away for a long time. I am dividing my kingdom three ways and you will be in charge. The people’s days are long and their lives are hard. You must rule wisely and make them happy.”

And he left on his journey. Some years later he returned to his kingdom.

He visited his first son. He saw the people working in the fields smiling. They cheered as he rode by with his men. “God bless you sire and your fine son the great prince!” they shouted. He embraced his son with great joy and asked him what he had done whilst he was away.

“I saw that the people worked hard but could not produce enough crops. I bought in the best advisers and equipment I could afford. Soon the harvest was plentiful and I could cut taxes. The people’s bellies are full and their lives are good. They love you sire.”

The King was well pleased with his first son and set off to visit his second son. Again he saw the people working in the fields and smiling. Again they cheered as he rode by. “God bless you sire and your fine son the great prince!” they shouted. He embraced his son with great joy and asked him what he had done whilst he was away.

“I saw that the people worked hard and the land was good but they could not store all of the harvest. I built granaries and soon there was a surplus to be sold and I could cut taxes. The people have grown rich and their lives are good. They love you sire.”

The King was well pleased with his second son and set off to visit his third son, the Fat Prince. To tell the truth, he had always been a bit worried about this one. He’d dropped the boy on his head when he was a baby and he’d often wondered whether this had resulted in lasting damage. And the royal doctor had said he had some sort of incurable hormonal problem.

On the way he came across a man selling shirts from a stall at the road side. He was a jolly plump man with red hair and he hastily took down his prices as the King approached.

“All hail great King!” he said. “I wouldn’t go down there if I were you. He’s made a right mess of things while you were away, that Fat Prince. No-one’s got a pot to piss in anymore and they want to chop his balls off. With respect, Your Highness.” He bowed quickly and sidled closer, looking crafty.

“Look sire, I can sort you out a good deal on your kingdom if you’re interested. Sadly it’s depreciated a lot since the Fat Prince took over, it’s more of a write off now really. I’m not a rich man but I’ll see what I can do, seeing as it’s you.” And he rubbed his hands together and waggled his eyebrows. “I can pay in cash” he added, pulling a large wad of used notes from his back pocket and smiling. His teeth seemed to be made of solid gold.

The King waved him away and said “I think I’d better go and see my son”.

As he rode through the land, he could see the people were unhappy. They were angry and depressed and downtrodden. The fields were barren and the livestock were dying. As he rode by they formed an angry mob and shouted:

“Boo! Down with King! Down with the King! And that fat bastard son of his! That stupid fuckwit! We hate your guts! We’ll kill you all, you bloody leeches!”

The King arrived at the Fat Prince’s heavily guarded palace and asked him what he had done. The Fat Prince smiled a very smug grin.

“You’ll be pleased with me sire. I realised that first and foremost this is a business. So I raised taxes and invested in the hospitality side of the kingdom where we see great potential. Conferencing and banqueting activity is up 200%. And I am pleased to report that our chefs have won the coveted bronze medal for the third year in succession. But the good news doesn’t end there. I have added a new wing to the palace on a sale and leaseback deal secured on future sales of fatted calves commoditised on an annual basis. This has boosted year on year income by a further 5% and released funds to invest in new markets.”

The Fat Prince paused and grinned his smug grin again. “Go on” said the King.

“These measures mean that we have the second largest palace in the kingdom backed with a secure tail of recurring revenue. Furthermore sales of royal codpieces have grown in real terms by 15% year on year and we’ve outsourced manufacture to increase our margin. The business is now on a sound footing and well placed to deliver further solid growth and opportunity.”

The King was sorely vexed. “But my son, the people are unhappy and wail in the fields, what have you done to help them?”

The Fat Prince shifted his feet a few times and continued:

“Look, I don’t know what you’ve been told but that whole whorehouse thing’s been taken out of context. I know some of the recent performances haven’t been up to scratch and frankly no-one’s been more disappointed about that than me. We’ve had the plagues and famine and bad luck, like you wouldn’t believe. And I’ve spent every penny I’ve taken out on myself, no word of a lie, what more can I do?

Frankly I’ve been let down. I’ve had the prime minister beheaded on a regular basis and I’ve exiled any scribe who won’t lick my arse. But hey, let’s start thinking positively. The set up’s right. With some better luck we will turn it around next year. In fact I’m looking at adding a hotel to the palace. And a casino. We’re still the eighth largest kingdom in the world. And this is still the best place to live. You wouldn’t believe who’s queuing up to come here.”

And he grinned his smug fat grin again.

The King was very angry. “You’ve ruined everything you stupid fat bastard!” he screamed. He drew his sword and chopped the Fat Prince’s head clean off and fed his enormous body to the crows. The King decided he was too old for this s*** and sold the kingdom to the jolly shirt seller for a knock down price and went to live by the seaside. And everybody lived happily ever after. Except the Fat Prince who was dead obviously.

THE END