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Portsmouth Toon Player & Performance
Analysis
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 Tuesday
7 February 2006
By Archie
Brand
Saturday was one of those rare occasions when my Satellite provider
didn’t show the Newcastle game live. As I toddled off to bed I set
the fancy recorder thingy to record all night on the off-chance that
ART actually decided to show in the wee small hours, what, under the
circumstances, always had the potential to be one of the games of
the day.
I got up the following morning and scanned through the recording while
munching away at my high fibre, tastes like cardboard “Wheatie – Bangs”.
Lo and behold - there’s the match. As soon as I got home from work
I parked up with a tinnie and a toilet roll (more of this later) and
watched the drama unfold.
First of all – well done to the lads. Cracking result. 2 goals, 3
points and the record for Big Al. Could Fat Fred have looked more
jolly? There was a moment there when he almost cracked a smile. His
mate in the seat next to him let the side down a bit by actually giving
the impression he was happy.
Before we get carried away, it was Portsmouth, and if we’re honest,
they were crap. They could have had a few themselves if they’d been
on the ball, but again well done boys, there was a much better attitude
out there, and there was a hunger that we haven’t seen for a while.
But let’s not forget what happened last season when Sir Bobby left
in a hurry, and Souness arrived. An improvement in results was instantaneous.
Not to mention an unbeaten run not so long ago that actually had people
talking about records. Don’t get me wrong - I hope the same thing
happens this time, as it would be enough to take us clear of the relegation
zone and set us up for a fresh run next season.
I’m just saying don’t get carried away. Every week I read through
the player ratings that appear on the web, where some self proclaimed
expert gives his totally unbiased opinion on the performance of the
players in a match that I’m pretty sure he didn’t actually see. I’ve
yet to agree completely with one of these appraisals, so I decided
it was time that one appeared on the web, with which I fully concur.
Yes. This week I am the self appointed expert. Here are my player
ratings for the Newcastle Vs Portsmouth game All marks are out of
10 and the adjudicator’s decision is final.
Given – 6 Not up to his usual standard. Caught out
twice so far out of position I thought he was playing away. Playing
so close to Bramble and Boumsong appears to finally be taking it’s
toll on our resident hero. When you set such a high personal standard,
average can be poor.
Ramage – 7 Considering his age and experience 7 is
almost an unfair mark for Ramage. He has played so well all season
we that we tend to forget that he’s still a young ‘un. Playing alongside
the likes of Emre, Parker and Shearer can only improve his game and
maintain his fantastic work ethic. However – playing with some of
the other tossers could drive him to drink.
Bramble – 5 Only one major nap attack as he was caught
on camera, out of position taking a rest, with his hand in the air
claiming an offside, while leaving the opponent to carry on with his
run. The offside wasn’t given. This fashionable method of appealing,
where the defender totally gives up the chase, should be “rewarded”
by the club with a fine of half a weeks wages. Maybe they’d remain
focussed a little longer. Titus continues to be the cause of great
concern. As long as he insists on holding the ball too long – allowing
opponents time to close him down – I’ll continue to watch matches
with a beer in one hand and a roll of toilet paper in the other. Work
colleagues have often asked how I manage to remain so cool and calm
at work when things are falling to pieces around me. As the saying
goes “ If you can keep your head while those around you are losing
theirs – then you obviously haven’t got a fuck!ng clue what’s happening!”.
Titus - your secret’s out.
Boumsong – 6 Not a bad performance but nothing special.
I think circumstances were kind and the lack of talented opposition
flattered him. He’s not out of the woods – he just found a metaphorical
clearing.
Babayaro – 7 I thought he played well. Caught out
of position a couple of times but compensated with impressive forays
up the wing and unlike a couple of others, it looked as if he was
actually making an effort. A bit more work on his positioning and
we might have a defender.
Parker – 8 Scotty continues to set the bar high.
What can I say? He gives his all at all times and a fan cannot ask
any more than that. The faithful are usually willing to forgive a
lack of skill as long as we see effort and commitment. Scotty almost
holds a full-house. A little more in the distribution department and
I think he’d be untouchable. I particularly like the bit where he
runs round in an excited little circle with the ball, as if one foots
nailed to the ground. Watch out for it – it’s his trade mark!
Emre – 7 Another good performance – but I feel there’s
more to come. He needs to release the ball a little earlier now and
again as an alternative to the expected mazy little runs he does.
The runs quite often result in him losing possession, at which point
he then hurls himself into tackles to try to win the ball back. 10
out of 10 for effort and enthusiasm, but is it really necessary, when
the quick release would achieve so much more and reduce the risk of
further injury. Watch this space. As he gets fit and regains his confidence
he’s going to be scary to watch.
N’Zogbia – 8 Charlie is starting to be a bit more
adventurous, and it looks like his confidence is sky high. He has
a decent turn of speed and with his footwork he should be Riverdancing
on the side. I thought his previous goals had an element of luck about
them – more speculative than spectacular – but the lad is starting
to come through. He could shortly be up there with Scotty and Emre
as one of our prize finds.
Solano – 7 Not bad Nobby, but we know there’s more
to come. Feeding from Emre and Parker, Solano and N’Zogbia created
more chances in the 90 minutes against Portsmouth than we saw in the
previous 6 games combined. Solano is talented but there’s a niggly
side to him that he needs to get under control. In addition to the
little taps and pushes that appear to have become part of his repertoire,
he also has a habit of dabbing a boot in when going over a fallen
opponent. With the wrong ref this could be costly and gains us nothing.
Nice to see him back somewhere near form.
Shearer – 8 Yet again we cannot fault the big man
for his work rate and contribution. He looked a bit sharper than he
has for a while, but it’s easier to look that bit better compared
to previous games when you’re finally getting something resembling
service. Can’t take anything away from him though, he was a little
unlucky not to get a couple more, but at the end of the day it’s his
job to put them past the keeper, and he could have done better. Congratulations
to him on the 201. If the service continues there’s more to come.
Ameobi – 9 My “Man Of The Match”. Elevated his game
to previously unknown heights and despite the odd stumble (which we’ve
come to expect from “2-touch”) this was a phenomenal performance from
Shola, who hasn’t given us much to shout about in the past few months.
As one of his biggest critics I hope this is a sign of things to come
and not just another example of a “blind squirrel stumbling across
the odd acorn”. He demonstrated body strength and an adventurous spirit
with 3 or 4 runs into the box, but was let down by his legs when they
opted not to join him there. When pressed he went down just a little
too easy. I think the ref was looking for just a little more serious
intent to actually get to the ball, and a little less “Italian Job”.
He pulled off some interesting little flicks that at least show that
there still hope for the old blind squirrel yet.
Clark – 6 Didn’t put a foot wrong, but didn’t impress
much either during his short time on the pitch. I think he’s finally
made it past the “I can’t believe I’m actually still playing” stage,
and we might even see a goal from him soon. I believe that the signings
of Solano and Clark were softeners - designed to take the edge off
a hostile fan base and provide a bit of breathing space for a Manager
and Chairman who knew that they themselves were not exactly the favourites
of the Geordie masses. Let’s bring back a couple of the old crowd
pleasers and see if we can drop the temperature in the kitchen a bit.
Seems like it backfired. We got a couple of gems, the Manager has
gone and the Chairman’s looking favourite to follow.
Bowyer – 5 Not a patch on what we’ve seen in the
past. What’s the problem Lee? We know you’re not happy but you have
to do better than this if you want to carry on taking the money.
Dyer – 6 Worth a 9 just for showing up the week after
Souness was sacked. Maybe he didn’t believe it and had to check for
himself. An easy introduction to remind him what a game of football
is. Hopefully he’s on the mend and will take it easy for a while.
The last thing we need is for him to think he has to go full tilt
in an effort impress Sven Bonking Everyone, and then, like Sven, end
up pulling something he shouldn’t.
Luque – 8 Best performance from Luque so far. His
positional sense was exceptional and I never saw him put a foot wrong.
Overall – 6 As a team we were not brilliant – just
better than Portsmouth. Creating more chances as we did, will hopefully
sharpen up our finishing and we’ll get the ball in the net a bit more
often. On the seriousness of the defensive leaks - “Always with Wings”
seems strangely applicable.
However. We did see a team who were actually trying to play together.
We saw effort and commitment that had been previously “Sol” (that’s
“inexplicably absent” for those of you who are not familiar with modern
slang). We saw spirit on a Saturday afternoon instead of a Friday
night. We caught a small glimpse of what could be.
And finally we saw our “local Hero” transformed into a “Local Legend”.
Farewell Mr Souness. No doubt you did your best – it just wasn’t good
enough.
Welcome back Newcastle “United”.
Archie Brand Bahrain. 26 degrees and the temperatures rising.
© Archie Brand
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