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 Tuesday
20 December 2005 By Archie Brand At around about the same time that my wife passed her driving test I was fortunate enough to stumble across a near mint 1991 Mercedes 560 SEC. Living in the Gulf a tank of premium gas sets me back 9 quid, so the 5.6 Litre V8 motor wasn't a problem. The boot was big enough for the golf clubs, and the Air Conditioning worked a treat. So the deal was done. My beloved (the wife, not the car) was finally persuaded to risk a spin around the block in the big black beast. It was a bit of a change from her little VW, but she coped admirably. As she parked up outside the house we agreed that it hadn't been as bad as she'd expected, and that next time she'd actually try using the accelerator instead of just chugging around the streets on tickover. I have to say at this point that I generally like my cars and my football teams to operate in different ways. While I'm perfectly happy making my way from A to B with minimum effort in a large comfortable German V8, I prefer to see my football team out on the pitch busting a proverbial gut and revving like a Fiesta in the Formula One - especially when the results aren't going so well. And that, in my opinion, is where our lads could do a bit better. I used to play squash with a colleague who made up for in effort what he lacked in ball skills. Actually he was a total knob when it came to technique, and his sense of position was second only to my Step Father Albert. As a navigator in the Second World War Albert was part of a crew detailed to deliver a top government official to high level negotiations in Africa. He didn't do his career prospects any good at all when they landed in Italy by mistake. Anyway, on with the tale. If it was humanly possible to get racquet to ball my mate Mark was there. Hurling himself into the wall with such force you were momentarily concerned for his health - both physical and mental - until you realised the ball was still in play and now you were out of position. He did this time and time again, because he had to make the most of the skills he had to compete, even at our modest level, and he wanted to win. You have to respect that kind of effort. I think this demonstrates why a number of our players are struggling to win over the Faithful. They aren't throwing themselves into enough walls. Who are the crowds favourites at the moment? OK I can't speak for 52,000 other fans but for me there are 3 players who make me come back week after week. First of all Scott Parker. Under the word "Effort" in the Oxford English Dictionary it should say "Scott Parker". He's talented, he's committed, he does the work. Michael Owen has only been on the scene 5 minutes, and while a hatful of goals may have helped a wee bit, his workrate off the ball is phenomenal. How they ever get him on the end of a cross is mind boggling to me because I just can't understand how they know where he's going to be. His goals get results, but his effort gets him respect. Who's the third player in this merry band of triers? Let me wander off again for a moment. Don't worry, I'll be back shortly. We are not all born with the grace and elegance of Thiery Henry. Some of us find co-ordination of limbs at anything more than a canter to be one of life's great challenges. On school sports day I was always more likely to end up face down in the turf than I was to actually make the finish line. It was as if my head thought it could run faster than my legs. For some unexplained reason I always seemed to end up playing in goal. So it gives me great pleasure to tell you that in my opinion the teams greatest trier is without a doubt Peter Ramage. He's one of me. Watching the Arsenal and West Ham games I lost count of the number of times I saw Ramage steam into shot, his head 2 yards infront of his feet, arms going like windmills trying to keep his balance, and with a look of determination on his face that suggested his life depended upon that next five seconds. Not a pretty sight in the classic athletic sense. Not exactly agile. But if the rest of the team tried just half as hard as Ramage, Chelsea could be chasing us. When you see a player out there putting that kind of effort in for your team, how can you not admire him? At the moment I think he's getting by on 40% talent and 60% effort. In a couple of years, as he settles in and has to work a little less hard, its not beyond the realms of possibility that Steven Taylor will have someone to keep him company on those long boring trips to take part in the qualifiers for the 2010 World Cup. It was Taylor who impressed us last year, this year it's Ramage. And now to turn over the record. Patrick Kluivert is a talented player. He probably did as much for the team as we've seen recently from the likes of Faye, Ameobi or Bowyer. But he was despised by the majority of cash paying fans, not because he wasn't talented, but because in their opinion he didn't try. With the fans he never made it over that hurdle. Who else could learn from the "Book Of Kluivert"? Who do we look at on the pitch every week and scream "why aren't you trying?" The first name that comes to mind is Titus Bramble. Most of the time he looks like the words urgency and effort are not part of his vocabulary. When was the last time you saw him look concerned? When was the last time you saw him look like he was working at his physical limit? When was the last time you saw him doubled over trying to get his breath back having chased down an opponent from the half way line? The same can be said for Alain Boumsong. You get the impression that maybe he's saving himself for something a little more strenuous later on. Another example, and possibly an unfair one, is Shola Ameobi. His general build and style of movement suggest that he's just ambling his way through the match, and you get the impression that maybe if he tried a bit harder he'd do better. We would possibly be more willing to accept the position we're in at the moment if we believed that the players were all contributing on the same level as Ramage, Owen and Parker. Can you expect more than 100% from your team members? I don't think so. But the point here is who's to say that Bramble isn't giving his all? Or that Boumsong isn't at 100%? Who can truly know what gear Kluivert was in? Anyone who ever watched Matt Le Tissier or Chris Waddle at work would have to admit that appearances can be so very, very deceptive. If we can't get our hands on silverware, or a place in Europe then what we really want to keep us happy is to go away with the belief that our boys gave their all for us. Make us believe that, even though we may be ignorant to the actual truth, and you'll get us back again next week, cheering our little lungs out. We don't know any better. After all - its just an illusion. Archie Brand Bahrain © Archie Brand
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Just An Illusion
